Separated? Here’s How to Fix It

Cassie 0:00
Okay, wonderful people. So today we are going to talk about how do you save a relationship after you're already separated, after one of you is, you know, already gone, maybe moved out separated? How do you bring a relationship back together once it's reached that point.

Josh 0:18
So stay tuned.

Cassie 0:40
Here at Touch of Flavor, we teach non monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:46
This podcast is about answering one question, how do you create loving, passionate, secure relationships outside the box? Even if nothing has ever worked before? If you want to know the answer, you are in the right place.

Cassie 0:59
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Josh 1:10
All right, everybody. So welcome to the show. I'm, well I'm gonna say we're excited. But I'm honestly more excited about this than Cassie. But we are trying for those of you watching the video, a different format. So we use the podcast like face to face with each other, which I personally find easier. Conversation wise. Yeah,

Cassie 1:29
I think it's good for the chit chat back and forth. I don't know how I feel about this setup just yet.

Josh 1:35
Yeah, well, we so we, we, when we went to video, we went side by side. And somebody while back was like I really like missed the dynamic, or not missed the dynamic. But like, I really think it'd be helpful, you know, like, more engaging for you to be talking to each other. Instead of like sitting next to each other talking to a camera, we were like, that sounds like a great idea. And we tried it. And we did not have the tech my my laptop was like 2015 and it couldn't handle it. So we got down like three times oh my god. Sake, we did all this recording. And then like we couldn't use any of it. So we've upgraded I'm upgrading my laptop now. And so there's probably gonna be a couple of kinks to work out like camera placement and stuff like that. But this is cool, because I get to actually look at your game when I'm talking which personally I find a lot easier to pick up on like the body language of who's talking when looking at you, versus looking at a tiny you on a screen sitting next to me it's really disorienting.

Cassie 2:38
Yeah, it's it creates the challenge that when we're recording, and also usually we're not like, because it's like this big, you know, it's this little tiny square, there's also like, we're away from the monitor. And we're both kind of like trying to signal to each other underneath of things

Josh 2:55
like are you going like going we have little hand signals, it does not work as well. And then you know,

Cassie 2:59
you have to pay attention to below the screen. And then of course, our notes are always like, up on the screen and stuff. So it's it's, it's, it turns into a thing.

Josh 3:07
So we're going to try this and see how it works. Like I said, maybe a couple of bugs to work out in the process, but I'm excited to try it. So. And with that, we're gonna go for a bit more conversational like we used to be able to do in the podcast and see how that rolls. So what I had wanted to talk about Cassie was, you know, one question that we've been getting a lot lately as far as people coming through on calls clients even is, what if we're already separated? You know, what if my partner has already kind of tapped out? Maybe they're still in the house? And they've just told me that they're done? Or maybe they've actually laughed, and they've moved out? Like, what do I do? How does that work? Is it possible to make things work? What does that even look like? And so I wanted to address that for people because that's a spot that a lot of people are in, and I thought maybe we should start with? I don't know, like how would you define separated in this context?

Cassie 4:12
Oh, um, I would define so like how we're going to explain it through the podcast. Right? Yeah, we're going to be defining it. I would define separated as the decision to not be coupled has been made. And there has been movement to disentangle not necessarily fully moved out or gone yet, but there is plans and movement for disentanglement once it's all separated,

Josh 4:42
yeah, this gets really tricky, right, because people have this thought of okay, well, if my partner has made that decision, is it possible to save things, right? And like, what does that process says look like because you know, we talk all the time about, well, one person can raise the level of a relationship, you know, a third of our clients tend to come through. And they're superheroes who are embracing their power and saving their relationships on their own. But is it possible when one person has already checked out? And how is it possible? Right? So wanted to talk about that a bit today. And we can kind of start with the, is it possible? I think and go from there?

Cassie 5:36
So the answer to that is, yes. Like we've had clients where one of the partners had even moved out, right. I'm thinking of clients of ours who just graduated, who they were when they got on a breakthrough call with us and had a conversation, they were in a place where he had moved out, he had gotten another place. She was still in the house that they had, but there was like plans to possibly sell that house over the next little bit, to a point where like, they're actually like, in the process of discussing selling the house with like other realtors and things like had divorced spreadsheet, they had a divorce spreadsheet, which was really funny to talk about, after the fact, right, like, now it's a joke, right? Like, oh, my gosh, we had this whole spreadsheet, but at the time, that's terrifying, right? We're sitting down, and we are literally mapping out what the end of our relationship is going to look like, in detail by expense, right? So they're mapping that out and everything. And yet, you know, after working with us, they are now living to get together again, he moved back in and they're on their boat, going and sailing around and doing all kinds of fun adventures. So there is the ability to turn that around, right there. Is that ability to go from a place of this is it we're done. We're planning it, we're even in the process of making steps to finalize it and turn things around.

Josh 7:12
Well, and this is kind of how I think of this with people, right, which is, you know, anybody who's coming to us, and they're talking to us, you know, when people get on the phone, you know, we have hundreds these calls here with people where we talked about their relationships and what's going on. And really, at the end of the day, with With few exceptions, most people are getting on the call. And they're wondering, like, Will this work? Like is my relationship saveable? And is this the thing that will save it? And you know, the truth of the matter is, yeah, being separated, does change the arithmetic on it a little bit, because if we have a couple, and they're both here, and there on the call, and there isn't some like circumstance where like, you know, maybe one person just has a, you know, like, maybe they're first moving into non monogamy, and one person just has this huge moral objection that they don't know if they're gonna be able to get over, right, shorter that like, if we have a couple here, and they're both willing to do the work, right, and they're ready to show up committed and coachable and resourceful, like, 100%, they can get the outcome, right. Which isn't to say, everybody gets the outcome, you have people who like, you know, get, you know, I'm thinking of a couple people were like, you know, like they get and start doing the work. And all of a sudden, that guy decides, like, you know, I think I'm gonna pack up and move across the country and just, I actually don't really want this to work, make sure that it won't work, right, or people who do the opposite of what we say but short of that, like, people show up committed, coachable, resourceful, they get the outcome, one person comes in, and they have a partner who is still invested in the relationship doesn't want to leave, right wants the relationship to work, then that one person can raise the level. When you're separated, it gets foggier right. Because the truth of the matter is, you know, you can change yourself, you can learn all the skills, the tools, everything that you need, and you can have a really good chance in a lot of cases to make that relationship work. But obviously at the same time, nobody can, you know, like put a gun to your partner's head and make them stay in relationship with you. So when I'm talking to people in that situation, you know, what I you know, first is like, Okay, how realistic chance is there of making this work? And then you know, then there has to be a discussion of okay, so knowing that you know, you have this good of a chance, but not a sure thing. Why is it important to you anyways, like what's it going to do for you to learn and grow the way that you need to to make this relationship work is it so that you know, you leave knowing you did everything you can and you can, you know, live without regrets, is it so you can kind of like hold your head high and look at yourself in the mirror. Is it so that, you know, you knew you did everything you could to avoid a divorce? Is it so that If you can take those tools and skills to your next relationship if God forbid, I have this, God forbid language. It's funny because I'm not religious, like if God forbid, this one fails, right? Like, why is it so it really becomes a discussion instead of like? Sure, absolutely, you can get from A to B, if you're committed coach, when resource lead becomes, well, you can probably get this like you can, you know, possibly, or probably save this relationship. Right. But here's what you definitely can do. So why is that important?

Cassie 10:35
Yeah. And the answer is going to be different for different people. And it's okay, if it is a different answer, right? If it is, I want to be able to help hold my head up high after this relationship. Or if I recognize that maybe I wasn't, I wasn't the best partner, I could have been in this relationship, right? Maybe I didn't show up the way I needed to. And I want to be a better stronger partner. In the next relationship I have, right, like, I want to save this one. But if I can't save this relationship, I want to know that I'm not going to end up in the same situation again, in my next relationship, or the relationship after that one, and so on.

Josh 11:21
And so that's the, is it possible? Is there anything else you want to say about the is it possible side?

Cassie 11:29
I have something that I think I'm gonna wait, okay,

Josh 11:31
because I want to move into, because I think it kind of blows people's mind, we're like, I don't understand how it's possible. And this is something that we can't teach in a, in an episode, right? Like, this is something I mean, the details of this, the skills that you need, you know, first off, it's somewhat different for every every relationship. Secondly, as this is, is a lot more in depth, like we work with people over 10 weeks to accomplish this. But what we can do, and what I want to do is give people a really high level of the idea just because I think a lot of people just can't even conceptually grasp how it's possible to, to make this work. And I kind of want to start from this framework, right, which is, this is what you have to think about, right? Your partner is with you, you've been together for however long, right? Because they love you. There was good stuff there. They wanted to build a future all of this stuff. And when a partner is tapping out, right? Really what that means is I'm I'm feeling hopeless, like I'm feeling hopeless, that this can work. I'm feeling hopeless, really, at the end of the day that I can get what I want, and I need from this relationship. Right? So that's the dynamic in place with a partner who is separating, right? It's like, I love you, I still love you probably. Right. But I'm, we've just been back and forth. And I'm getting hopeless that I can get what I want and need from this relationship.

Cassie 13:03
It's kind of the I love you, but I can't trope, right. But you see in movies, right? It's like, I love you. I want this to work, but I just can't anymore, or I don't see a path forward. It's that hopelessness, that, that not being able to believe that there's a way that this can work, where I'm going to be happy, and you're going to be happy.

Josh 13:27
And so here's what you need to understand about that, though, right? Because this is what people don't think about. So your partner's doing this, because they they're feeling hopeless about getting what they want to need. Okay, but for the most part, if they can get that from you, they would prefer it. Right. Like, you know, you're talking and I'm just going to use, you know, because a lot of people come to us, I've been together a long time, you know, have kids, a lot of them are married shero and that kind of thing, not everybody, but some combination of those dynamics we see in a lot of folks. So, if I can get what I want to need from a person I already love, right? From a person that I care about, without going through, you know, a divorce, that's going to cost me $50,000 Plus without selling my home without traumatizing my kids without losing the future that I planned without uprooting my entire life and starting completely over from scratch. Nine out of 10 people are going to prefer to get that from you. If it's possible. They just don't have hope, but that dynamics in the background where but they would prefer it.

Cassie 14:44
Yeah, they and that's the thing, like, for the most part, many times like I'm not saying there isn't small cases, but for the most part when you have relationships that have been entwined and have been going for years, where there is this History of love the people in that relationship, value that relationship and love each other, right? They, they, they want that relationship. It is that hopelessness.

Josh 15:12
And so with that, okay, so So you have this background of your partner would want it to work, but they're hopeless. Okay, so what is it you can actually do from this place of being separated then to create hope, and to make a change? And there's a bit of a process. And like I said, so we're going to, we're going to talk about that at a really at a pretty high level here. So do you want to start? Or do you want me to start? Um,

Cassie 15:41
can I put a little bit of like, the way you think about it, no high net,

Josh 15:46
you can't, it's my show. I'm the boss, everybody knows that.

Cassie 15:53
So before we kind of get into like the high overview of like, getting into things, I think it's really important to think of it from the side of the thinking that you need to put into it, right to do these things. And when I'm talking to our clients, you know, you're already here, right? The situation is what it is. And as difficult of a situation as it might be. Right? It is what you have, right? You have the cards that you have now been kind of dealt but also that you've been dealing yourself for however many years, the challenges have been there. And going into this, the separation, the discussions around breakup, that this is now a new opportunity. And what I mean by that is this gets to be the place that you mark, as the point where you're going to make change. This is the place where I am no longer going to keep letting things go downward. Right, I'm going to take this as the big sign that I needed to step up. And I think that is the first step in this whole thing is recognizing that this is as hard of a place that it is an opportunity for you to shift what you've been doing wrong, that you have not been doing right and that you have not been stepping up and being that that partner, that person, right, that human that the person that you've been with has been needing you to be, and maybe that you've been needing to be for yourself. So I think it's just important to kind of start from that place that. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's awful. But this is also an opportunity to have sort of that springboard of change.

Josh 17:44
Well, and that does go into the first piece of this process, right is once you decide that, right, the actual process looks like number one, becoming the kind of partner that you need to be to have this relationship, right, we just said your partner's hopeless. Well, I'll interject another thing here, too, which is, I think this would go without saying, but if your partner is in a place of being hopeless, first off, nothing's gonna change unless you're willing to step up and be the one who changes that like that just goes without saying, a partner who has tapped out. Like, I mean, you know, you have a choice at that point, you can either fix it yourself, or you can wait for them to do it with you, which is a long wait for a train that isn't coming. And meanwhile, every day that you're separated, you're going further apart and less likely to fix it. Right? So number one, you have to be willing to do this on your own. But from that place, the actual process looks like first you have to grow into that partner you need to be to have healthy, thriving relationship, right? We just said really your partner's hopeless, that you they can get what they want and need from you in this relationship? Well, the first step, to giving them hope, and to healing, the relationship is changing that dynamic. And this is the first piece when we have clients who come to us or separate that we work with them on. Really, I mean, anybody that comes to us this piece, right is how do you become the kind of partner you need to be to give your partner's what they want to need to have amazing relationships? How do you learn to communicate? How do you learn to get over your jealousy? How do you learn to give your partner that love and connection and intimacy and affection and stability that they need? How do you become that person who is capable of having happy healthy relationships and giving your partner what they needed and wanted that they haven't been getting?

Cassie 19:39
Yeah, and it's, it's, it's becoming that person. You know, when we when we talk to folks, the big thing that we tell our clients, the ones who are coming in as couples, is that relationship shift by the people in them shifting. And most likely, if you're in this place, it's because because you and your partner haven't been shifting, right? Because you haven't been improving and changing. And so that big first step is you doing the work to become that person, right? To be the person who's going to have a thriving relationship, right? It's not, oh, you have thriving relationships, and then you become the person, it's, it's you have to become the person to create those kinds of relationships.

Josh 20:26
And so from there, you're in a place where you have now become the person. But here's the problem, like, you're still separated. So what do you do? So the next piece, and I'll let you really talk about this, again, from a high level, is, you have to find opportunities to showcase that change, right to demonstrate to your partner, that you have become a different person that there is hope that they can get what they want and need from this relationship with you, instead of tearing it all down and completely rebuilding somewhere else. Yeah,

Cassie 21:03
so that means in conversations, that means in interactions that you're showing up as that person, right, if, you know, you've always had no use jealousy, as an example, if you've always had jealousy and have had, you know, big issues with that, it's now when you're having that discussion with your partner, or when you're trading off, you know, the kids or whatever, right. And they mentioned that they've had their their partner over the night before, that, they see that you're handling that, right. They see that you're communicating with them differently, when you're having conversations, because here's the thing, when we separate out from somebody, especially if they're still in the house, right, you're going to be communicating with them. And then you have to show up different, you can't just be saying, Oh, I'm doing the work, I'm going to be a different person, you actually have to show up and show that through the interactions that you're having with that person, whether it is the shift in the communication, whether it is the ability to, you know, handle your emotions and shift the way that you have done things before, right, you have to show up to the conversations, the interactions as this new you, right?

Josh 22:20
And a lot of people are like, well, you know, but we're separated, like how do I find those those interactions. And this is different for everybody, right? This is something that we we work with each individual person on. But the truth of the matter is, in most cases, you're gonna have opportunities very rarely is that a partner completely cuts off all contacts never speaks to you again. And in a lot of cases, right? You know, especially the more entwined you were, the more you have to interact, like if you were married, if nothing else, you have to interact through the divorce process, right. But it's more than that, like, if you are still living together, you have to interact in the home, if you have kids, you have to interact over the kids, you have to interact over assets. And you know, all the day to day responsibilities of the places your life score lives were entwined. And a lot of the times the truth of the matter is, even outside of those things, you haven't completely cut off contact with each other. Right. So, again, it's different for everybody, but you find those opportunities, however narrow a door that may be. And then this is the third piece, which is well, actually, it's still kind of the second. But as you have those interactions, as your partner starts to see you change and see that they can get what they want, and even become a little more hopeful. That door, however slight, tends to open a little more and a little more, and a little more. And now you're acting a little more and a little more and a little more, and you can showcase the new you a little more and a little more, and it builds and it builds and it builds. And then the third piece is once you've done that, having the skills to take advantage of the opportunity and to know how to rebuild a relationship.

Cassie 24:12
Yeah, and that's that's not the I wouldn't say the top piece because I feel like all three are incredibly important. But that is the piece that a lot of folks lack on right is they're like, Okay, so I've gotten gotten a grip I've gotten you know, that trust built back because that's really what it is. It's your your partner building trust in your interactions in your relationship. And then you don't actually know how from there to build a relationship back up in a healthy way. And that's where a lot of folks end up slipping is not knowing how to Okay, we're back on the same page. We have the trust back to do this. How do we not build a relationship that just falls into this? same patterns that we were in before, right? Because we're human. And it's really easy for us to do that and slip back into old patterns.

Josh 25:08
And then the last piece once, you know, that is, you know, really now you're talking at a point of, okay, like, I've grown into that person, I've created the trust where, you know, I've taken advantage of opportunities, created the trust, reestablish my, my relationship, and a lot of people stop there. And they're missing one critical step, which is, you have to know how to keep from falling back to that place that you were, again. And that's absolutely critical, because it's so it's so easy to be in a place, why are you taller than me? What's up with that? It's so easy, everybody knows I'm much taller than you. It's so easy,

Cassie 25:44
like two inches.

Josh 25:47
It's so easy to be in a place. It's so easy to be in a place where you know, you rebuilt everything, but you don't know how to maintain it. Right. And now over time, you're creeping back into those old patterns, right, or you're hitting another bump that you don't know how to deal with, and you're falling back. So the fourth piece is really just having the skills, the tools, the strategy, the support to maintain a relationship, once you have rebuilt it. But really folks, like, at a high level, that's it. And like I said, I wanted to put this out, because I think a lot of people because they don't understand, like have like an idea of how it's possible, it then makes them feel hopeless about fixing it, and people sit on their hands. And like if you're in a spot where you've separated, this is the most critical time not to sit on your hands, because like I said, every single day that goes by, you know, it's one thing to intentionally take a little bit of space with a plan to fix things with a plan to fix things, I'm gonna throw that in, because even most people don't do that. They think that the space is the plan to fix No, right? But the thing is, anytime that you are separated without a plan to fix things, every day that goes by, you lower your chance of repairing things. And so people get paralyzed because they get this place where they're like, well, it's just not possible. Right? You know, it's not possible. And you know, like, I don't see how it can be done. But that's why I wanted to put out like, you know, just kind of tell people how it is possible, right? Because you're in that place, you need to understand it is possible, and you need to like right now work to start fixing things to make things better.

Cassie 27:37
And this is a moment when you and your partner have started this process of separating your your disentangling, you are taking those steps. Now is the time to build a plan and be set on how are you going to make this work? How are you going to try to heal this, right? Because as you know, as Josh just said, like you are going to be in a place where the longer you go, the more time and space and things like that that are there, the harder it is going to be to be able to do the steps that we just talked about, you know, the more space that's created, the harder it is to get the space to show your new cells, right, that clock starts ticking, like at the point where we've decided or your partner has decided that we're separated, that clock starts ticking. And the further out you get, the harder it is to wheel things back in.

Josh 28:38
So if you are in that place, and you want to start working on that, even if you're like how saveable Is this, like, what is the possibility here, right, reach out, we help people through this all the time. And you know, happy to talk to you and go over not just, you know, how that would look in your relationship and come up with a plan to make that happen. But also to tell you, okay, like how, what is the possibility of saving this because that's something if you're in that place that you really want to know, right? And so you can do, you can go to a touch of labor.com, forward slash talk. All right, that'll take you to our calendar page, grab up a time, you know, one of us or somebody from our team will hop on at that time that you picked, you know, it'll take you a little form, fill that out. So we can prepare for your call. But it'll be you know, the best hour you've spent on your relationships. And we'll dive into you know, exactly, again, like How stable is this? What would that look like? And if you need help to get there, we can talk about that as well. Right? But like I said, a touch of labor.com forward slash talk. Other thing. Like I said, we're experimenting with this format. And this format is going to be, you know, back to you know, a little more conversational because it is easier like this. Oh yeah. A little more conversational, probably a little shorter. Just wrap something in the comments. You know if you're watching this and just let us know what you think how you like this format, it's good for us to know, not saying he's gonna 100% make our decision for us. But the data points are obviously good. Okay. Anything else you want to throw in there? No, just we'll see you next show. All right, everybody. Like I said, touch player.com forward slash talk, and we'll see you next week.

Josh 30:32
Thanks for tuning into today's show. We release new episodes every week, so make sure to subscribe.

Cassie 30:39
If you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us. Here's what I want you to do next, head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour and we'll get you crystal clear on three things. What's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like and a step by step plan to close the gap and save your family. Even if nothing has worked before.

Josh 31:06
We talk with hundreds of non monogamous folks like you every year. And here's the truth, building loving, thriving relationships that doesn't happen on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you are building relationships outside the box, that's impossible to find and we get it but that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families, get the passion back and become best friends again.

Cassie 31:30
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk. I'm Cassie.

Josh 31:38
And I'm Josh. Let's talk soon.