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These Eleven Immature Dating Habits Are Killing Your Chances


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When someone we’re dating decides to move on it’s easy to blame them for the end of the relationship. It’s much harder to acknowledge the truth that our own bad habits are often at fault. From a very young age the media, our families, and our friends bombard us with ideas of how we’re “supposed” to approach dating. As we grow up many of these ideas turn into negative habits that destroy relationships that could have otherwise developed into something beautiful. Relationship after relationship we keep making the same mistakes and wonder why we keep getting the same results. It’s the very definition of insanity.

If this sounds like you, I want to help. Here are eleven immature dating habits that you should start breaking today:

Waiting for the man to initiate

This is 2016 people, and women should be just as empowered to court a mate as a man. If a guy catches your eye, take control of your dating life and ask him out. It doesn’t make her less feminine, and shouldn’t make him feel less masculine (take it as a compliment guys). Just remember, if you are asking someone out it’s good form to foot the bill.

Feeling entitled because you buy

Buying someone dinner doesn’t mean they owe you sex or even a kiss at the end of the night. If you’re just looking for a hook-up there’s nothing wrong about that, but be upfront about it. There are few things more unattractive than someone who isn’t enough of an adult to say what he actually wants but then gets pissed when his date offers exactly what he asked for. If you’re looking for sex, find someone looking for a one-night stand. If you’re looking for a relationship, then don’t judge a date by how quickly you get laid.

Running “fashionably late”

Making someone wait at your house while you get ready for a date is not charming, neither is arriving tardy at the place you are scheduled to meet. If you want to “make an entrance” do it by showing up dressed to the nines in your best outfit, not by inconveniencing your date. Showing your date you value them starts with showing that you value the time they are giving you. If you can’t avoid being late, let your date know ASAP.

Telling little “white lies”

White lies aren’t a thing, lies are lies. When first starting a dating relationship it’s natural to want to put your best foot forward. By all means, do so. You don’t want to scare off a possible mate before they get a chance to know you. But there’s a difference between not dumping all your baggage on the first date and lying to your prospective partner. Dishonesty may avoid some embarrassment at the moment, but all healthy relationships are built on trust and lies will catch up with you and cause unneeded issues down the line.

Only talking about yourself

You have a hottie at your table and only a short window of time to make an impression. You need to let them know how awesome you are as quickly as possible to ensure a second date, right? Wrong! When you dominate a date by chatting nonstop about yourself you appear self-absorbed. Your date wants to know that they’re important to you. Ask them questions about their background and interests. When they’re talking, really listen – don’t just wait to get your words in.


Dates are supposed to be fun, especially early in a relationship. It’s fine to mention that you had a rough day at the office or it that you got stuck in traffic, but keep the complaining to a minimum. When you’re a constant downer it makes dating you un-enjoyable at best, and emotionally taxing at worst. In general, it’s best to avoid negatives and focus on good experiences

Especially about your exes.

When someone describes all of their exes as monsters, it usually says more about the person doing the talking than it does about the exes. Talking like this may not only give your date the impression that you’re the problem but make them justifiably wary that if things don’t work out between the two of you they’ll be the star of your next monster story. It’s hard to appear attractive while tearing someone else down, so it’s best to stick with: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Being too spontaneous

Everyone likes their prospective mates to be spontaneous, but they also want to know that you appreciate the time they are giving you. A last minute “can we meet up?” text whenever you’re bored or lonely is sending your prospective partner the message that you don’t care about their schedule. Spontaneity is nice every once in a while, but regularly approaching a prospective partner in this manner is selfish, inconsiderate, and may come across as needy. When dating makes spontaneous meetings the exception and solid, scheduled plans the rule.

Drinking too much

Drunks are only attractive to two kinds of people: other drunks and people who want to take advantage of them. Dating can be stressful and it can be nice to have a drink to take the edge off, but don’t drink so much that you’re no longer yourself. Not only is your judgment impaired, but your date is getting to know the drunk you – not the regular you. If your date offers you more than you can handle you need to have the ability to tell them no.

Waiting to see who’ll call first

This is one of my pet peeves. For some reason, culture has taught us that if you call the other person first you’ve lost the “game.” Game? How old are we? Perhaps your date has a demanding job, schoolwork, kids, or one of a hundred other responsibilities and hasn’t gotten an opportunity to call yet. Maybe they misplaced your number. Go ahead and play games if you want to, but if you’re too caught up in being the “winner” you could wind up losing an opportunity to make a connection that might change your life. Relationships are about becoming a team, so why start things off as a competition? Grow up and pick up your phone.

Wasting your time on partners who aren’t a “Fuck Yes!”

We’re all guilty of Investing too much time into someone who we knew wasn’t right for us. We may feel guilty breaking it off with someone who is not a “bad” person just because we don’t click. We may be holding out hope that our for the person will change, or worse, that the person will change something about themselves that’s a deal-breaker for us. Maybe the sex is just that good. Whatever the reason, we’re doing ourselves and that person a disservice by sticking around when we shouldn’t. I personally like The Law of Fuck Yes or Fuck No. This law states that if the thought of getting, or being, involved with someone doesn’t inspire a “Fuck Yes” from you (or them!) then your answer should be “Fuck No.” Remember, time is the ultimate non-renewable resource, and it’s too precious to settle for mediocre relationships.

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Cassie is polyamorous, dominant, queer, and a full-time relationship coach. Since 2008 she’s been helping poly folks create extraordinary relationships while a falling back in love with each other. Cassie has been featured in publications such as The Huffington Post, The Atlantic, and Men’s and Women’s Health, and has taught at conferences and colleges across the US. Cassie is the co-founder of Touch of Flavor and co-host of the TOF podcast. Cassie lives in Maryland with her nesting partners Amanda and Josh, their teenaged son, a lovable but goofy Great Dane, and a cat with a bad attitude.
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