how our polyamorous clients build thriving relationships

6 Beliefs That Sabotage Your Polyamorous Relationships

What beliefs do you have about your relationships?

If you’re like most people, you haven’t given them a lot of thought. But, our beliefs are vital to the health of our relationships because they’re self-fulfilling prophecies.

So if you believe that things are hopeless, or that you’re going to be replaced, or that you can’t communicate… you’re right! Not because any of those things are true. Because you’ll MAKE them happen.

There are six beliefs we constantly see sabotage polyamorous relationships. If you have any of these beliefs you need to get rid of them right now.

In this episode, we’re going to break those beliefs down.


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Josh 0:00
All right, everybody. So today we're gonna be talking about six beliefs that are sabotaging your polyamorous relationships We are going to go ahead and hop in. So stay tuned.

Cassie 0:30
Here at Touch of Flavor, we teach non monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:36
This podcast is about answering one question, how do you create loving, passionate, secure relationships outside the box? Even if nothing has ever worked before? If you want to know the answer, you're in the right place.

Cassie 0:49
All of this information is 100% free. So please subscribe to and review our podcast.

Josh 0:59
All right, everybody. So like I said, today, we're gonna be talking about five beliefs that are sabotaging your polyamorous relationships. And this is really interesting. I think this topic, was this suggested by one of our clients, there's something about beliefs that was suggested by one of our clients for a podcast episode.

Cassie 1:12
One of our clients asked us to do like our top beliefs, which isn't the same thing.

Josh 1:18
No, it's actually kind of in some ways the opposite thing.

Cassie 1:20
Yes, it's like the opposite thing. But it did help get us on the the path of talking about the beliefs that people have that sabotage themselves.

Josh 1:29
Yeah, and we'll do that eventually. But we'd wanted to take some time today and just talk a bit about the beliefs that people do have in their relationships, right, and the beliefs that do cause them to sabotage them. And beliefs are something that we spend a lot of time and energy working with our clients on. Right. And I know beliefs are something that a lot of people don't think about very much in their day to day lives. But you know, that's exactly one of the reasons why our beliefs are so important. Because our beliefs, really at the end of the day, like our beliefs wind up, impacting, filtering, the way that we see everything. And usually, for most people, they operate, subconsciously, most of us don't really pay a lot of attention to what our beliefs are, or how they're impacting us, or how they're impacting our relationships. But they actually have an enormous, enormous impact. You want to talk about beliefs for a minute, Cassie, just like in general.

Cassie 2:47
Yeah. So I'll pick up where you were talking about as far as how they impact us, right? Like our beliefs, really are sort of a compass for us, when we believe something, it starts to shift how we behave, how we interact with our environment, how we interact with others when we believe something. And quite often, when we talk to folks about their beliefs, they aren't actually like, this is what I believe if it starts to take form, when they start talking about how they think about things and stuff like that. It's not like, I know that this is what I believe.

Josh 3:22
And so a lot of times when I'm talking to clients, I have a prop for this, I don't have it in here right now. But I've got I've got blue light blocking glasses, right, because I'm weird about my sleep. And they're their glasses, they have red tinted lenses, the thing is, if I put those glasses on, right, everything that I look at through them, it has a reddish tint to it. And our beliefs are kind of like that, like at a very basic level. Our beliefs are kind of a filter through which we interpret the things that happen around us, right? And then it has a huge impact on the decisions that we make. So just an easy example of this. As far as relationships goes, Is this right?

Josh 4:08
Let's say your partner is out with another partner of theirs. They're out on a date, or whatever. And you know, normally they check in with you they reach out to you, they say good night, and they don't. Right? Well, depending on the beliefs, you're gonna have two very different experiences of that. If you believe that your partner finds the other person more interesting than you, if you believe that, you know, this other person might be working towards replacing you. If you believe that you're unimportant to your partner. Well, then you're going to take that right and you're going to see that as like an affront and a way that your partner is hurting you in a way that your partner is in fact, pulling away from you and choosing this other person over you. And then you're going to wind up reacting accordingly, right, like when they get home, you're going to be snappy, you're going to be short, you're going to be upset, right? Now, if on the other hand, you have a belief that, hey, like, I'm super important to my partner, nobody can replace me and my partner values this relationship, you know, this is this is important to them, they're always trying to look out for me, well, then, you might look at that and go, Maybe my partner just forgot.

Cassie 5:27
Or their phone died.

Josh 5:28
Or their phone died, or they had an emergency, or whatever, you're gonna have a very different experience of that. And here's the thing about beliefs. I could go on all day about beliefs. And like I said, we do a ton of work with our clients on it. But for the purpose of talking about the relationship beliefs that people have that sabotage them, I think the most important thing that you should know, is that our beliefs, by their very nature become self fulfilling prophecies.

Cassie 5:56
Yeah, I like to give the example of like, you know, say you have family over for a holiday, right? And you wake up that morning, and you're like, let's say it's Christmas morning, and you're like, This day is going to be shit, right? Like, if you think that your day is going to be bad, or there's going to be bad interactions, well, you're going to look at that day and find all the things that aren't going right, you're going to look at that day and and see the negative interactions, and you yourself are going to act in ways that are going to create that happening, right? Like if I think that my day is going to be bad, I'm going to be tense, I'm going to be upset, I'm going to be more reactive than if I woke up that morning and said, I think today is gonna be an awesome day, right? So our beliefs really do sort of shift, and even become those self fulfilling prophecies, when we really believe those things.

Josh 6:49
And when you're talking about relationships, right, there's, there's a whole bunch of beliefs you have like, and for most people, they operate below the surface, and they never even notice, right? There's beliefs about you as a person, right? There's beliefs about your partner. There's beliefs about your relationship, and how the two of you interact together, there's beliefs that you have about relationships as a whole, what's possible, what's not what's good, what's bad, all that stuff and baggage or not baggage or whatever, from how you were raised. Right. And with that, there's a couple of beliefs that specifically wind up having an enormous impact. So like I said, when we're when we're working with our clients, we do a ton of work on this right working with them, their beliefs around who they are, right around their confidence, around who they are as a partner, on how they're showing up in the relationship, around their beliefs around their partner and their partner caring for them and loving them their beliefs around what's possible. Like is it possible to have passion and connection and love and a long term relationship.

Josh 8:00
And we work on all of these things. But there's just like, there's beliefs that are going to be positive and build you up, right? Just like there's empowering beliefs, like the belief that my partner does love me, the belief that I am a priority, the belief that I can show up and communicate well in a conversation, or the belief that a relationship long term can be passionate and loving. There's also disempowering beliefs, right? Like I said that my partner wants to get rid of me, that I'm unlovable, that I'm not enough, that it's impossible to have the kind of relationship that I want in a healthy way. There's a lot of disempowering beliefs as well. And again, those beliefs become self fulfilling prophecies.

Josh 8:46
So there are six beliefs specifically, that we see people have, that are really just more than any other beliefs that we see both prevalent, really common, and also super destructive to your polyamorous relationships. And so what we want to do here, is we want to take some time, and really break those down for you. Because if you believe any of these things, again, you're going to interpret what's going on, and then act in ways that are going to make that come true. And I think maybe the easiest way to really highlight that for people, Cassie is just to go into the first one, and talk about and break it down. And I think then it'll be really easy to explain how, how that works. So you want to start with the first one.

Cassie 9:49
Yeah, the first one is things are hopeless. Right.

Josh 9:53
And so let's just start, again, I'm just gonna show you how this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I want you to think about this for a minute. I talk to a lot of people who believe, are in a spot of believing or maybe getting to the point of believing, or maybe their partner believes, but they don't believe it yet, that things are hopeless. And I want you to just stop and think about this for a minute and think about how it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If I really believe that there's no path forward for us. What impact is that going to have? Well, number one, I'm not going to try or I'm not going to least try in the same way that I would otherwise, right. You can't really, truly put effort into something that you believe is hopeless and isn't going to work. Right. I'm going to interpret everything that happens as more evidence that stuff is hopeless. Right? Oh, today didn't go great. Oh, it's just because it's relationships hopeless. Like it's never going to work out. Right? Oh, we had a difficult moment. Oh, it's because it's relationships hopeless. Like we should just we're just doomed. Right. And in that, right, in that sense of hopelessness, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Cassie 11:11
So do we want to move on to the next one, or you want me to talk a little bit more about it?

Josh 11:14
Oh no, I definitely.

Cassie 11:16

Josh 11:16
I definitely, definitely want to spend more time talking about this. And I had something else that was like on the tip of my brain that needed to come out. So if you want to talk about it for a second, give me a minute and we'll come back to what I was going to say.

Cassie 11:28
I don't want to like step on your toes.

Josh 11:29
No, go for it.

Cassie 11:30
Okay. And the thing about the belief in hopelessness, right, is that when you have that, you know, Josh was talking earlier about those lenses, you start to see, right, that evidence consistently, and even things that could possibly be a positive sign, you're going to see lighter, or less than. So maybe it isn't the bad conversation, maybe it's, we had an okay conversation, but it didn't come to a solution. It's hopeless. We had a good day. And, you know, it was nice that we hung out. But I didn't really enjoy it. Because I know at the end of the day, this is hopeless.

Josh 12:12
And so and there's degrees of hopelessness, right. And this was the other piece that I wanted to say, this is the truth of this, if you are - and I want you to think about this for a minute, right? I tell people this all the time, when you or your partner is in a spot where you're even starting to feel that sense of hopelessness, that should be a huge red flag, because hopelessness, being in that spot where you feel hopeless for the future. And so you then start to have to look at like, what does life look at without my partner and kind of building that up for yourself, that is the last step before somebody gives up and a relationship breaks up. Right, that sense of hopelessness. And I'm not saying it's the only way for there to be a last step. But it is like if you are at this place of hopelesness, it is the last step, if you don't do something immediately to make a change and to shift that, right, you're going to lose the relationship. Because here's the truth. Once you get to that point of really, truly being hopeless. Only one thing makes sense is to pack up your shoes and leave. There's no point in continuing to be in hurt and pain and suffering over something that isn't going to work. So if you're at that place of hopelessness, or your partner's at their place of hopelessness, it is critical to get into action immediately to start to create a positive change, to start to create to the belief that there can be hope.

Cassie 13:35
And something I want to point out here and make crystal clear is when we're talking about hopelessness, we're talking about that feeling and that belief of hopelessness, right? That belief is not an indicator that it actually is hopeless. And when you have that belief, and you follow that belief, even if there is possibility, even if there is plenty of things that you can do to shift your relationship, you're not going to see them if you sit in that place for too long,

Josh 14:03
Folks, just because you believe something doesn't make it true. Plenty of people believe that non monogamous relationships aren't possible. And guess what, for those people, it's not possible. Plenty of people believe that it is. And guess what, for those people, that it is. Just because you believe something doesn't make it true. And that's why it's so important to be cognizant of your beliefs. And I want to just take a minute and talk about why people get to the place of being hopeless. And really the end of the day, it's because from where they're at, they can't see a path forward. Maybe it's You've tried everything and nothing has worked. Maybe it's that you know, whatever the gap is between you two, it feels incompatible. Like, you know, one person is polyamorous the other is monogamous, or you want very - or there's something else where you feel like you want very different things out of life, or like I said, Maybe you've tried everything. Maybe you feel like you've done therapy, you've done counseling, you've worked and worked and worked and worked, right Maybe if your partner's feeling hopeless, maybe that's because they feel like you aren't willing to change. What from your side, Cassie? So what are some other reasons you see that people hit that point of hopelessness?

Cassie 15:15
Um, often, there's a couple things, it's definitely the people who have tried a lot, right? The folks who have done a lot tend to be the folks who feel the most hopeless. Because why hasn't this stuff worked? I've read the books, I've listened to the podcasts, I've gone to the therapy, I've done the things. And we're still stuck. So there's that there's also folks get hopeless, when they get a feedback loop. And this is one of the problems that we see quite often with talking to friends or family or other people, is they get this feedback loop of other people telling them Yeah, it's hopeless. You don't have- Yeah, you should just break up, you shouldn't do that. So they end up in this place of not really focusing on the beliefs that yeah, there's possibility here. They focus on those beliefs that it's not.

Josh 16:05
Well and even- it doesn't even have to be like friends and family. I just talked to somebody yesterday who both their therapists had told them to break up. And it wasn't because they needed a break up. Right, it was because the therapist didn't know how to deal with the problems they were having around non monogamy. Right? So it's all of that. And, you know, here's, here's what it's important to believe instead. Right? Number one, it's important to understand that, and I don't want to say never, because there's always circumstances, there's always those outlying cases, right. But for the most part, when you're in a place of a relationship not working, and there's still like love between you and your partner. It isn't that it's hopeless. It's that you haven't approached it in the correct way. You know, we deal with people all the time, where they've been in couples therapy for years, they've read all the books, they've watched videos, they've tried this, they've talked, they've done nonviolent communication, they've done all of these things, right. And they've put in the effort. But they've never been given the right tools to actually make things work. But when they get that, and they get the right tools, and they get the right support, and the right helping people to actually understand the problems that they're going through, and who know how to solve it. All of a sudden, things change. Right, the arguing stops, they get the love back, they navigate through whatever incompatibilities they have around the non monogamy. We see it over and over and over again. Right. So what are some beliefs that people could look at Cassie? That would serve them better than it's hopeless?

Cassie 17:53
Oh, I like this. Okay, so some some some empowering beliefs. And I just want to note that I'm not saying like positive or negative, because it's not really positive or negative beliefs. It's empowering or disempowering of what you want, right? So empowering beliefs around this is I have the ability to shift my relationship. I, I know that if I gain the right skills, I can show up better, and my relationship can be different. I know that my partner loves me, and we love each other, and that there's other options out there. I believe that there's many other people who have made the kind of relationship work that I'm looking for. What are some others that you'd like to throw in there.

Josh 18:47
Believe anything's possible. Right? I believe that it's possible to have healthy loving relationships, because I can look around me and see it. And I believe that I'm committed enough that I won't stop until I find a way and the help and the support that I need to make this happen. I'd throw that in there. Right. And here's the just the one thing I throw in here about hopelessness folks that I just really want you to keep in mind. And this has been kind of top of mind for me, because I've been talking to a lot of people lately where this topic of hopelessness has come up. When you see that come up, when you see that, that feeling of hopelessness, right, and that feeling is really on top of a belief of hopelessness. But when you feel hopeless, and you're noticing that, or your partner is telling you that they feel hopeless. It isn't a sign that it is hopeless. I want you to look at those beliefs that Cassie just gave you. But it should be an enormous red flag for you because again, the only next step when somebody makes that shift and into being completely hopeless is to break up and the other problem is The deeper people go into hopelessness, the harder it is to do the work and to make a change. Because why do any of that because I'm feeling hopeless. Right. So that's a huge red flag that you need to get into action right now to start fixing things, whether it's you, whether it's your partner, whatever, like, don't take that as a sign of hopelessness, right? Recognize that for what it is. It's a belief. It's a belief that isn't true, things aren't hopeless, right? You can make changes here, but also recognize that that means you need to start doing something right now. Right. And especially if what you've done before hasn't worked, you need to start doing something very different right now. All right. I think that's enough for that. You want to move on to the next belief?

Cassie 20:41
Okay. So the next belief.

Josh 20:43
Go ahead, I know how much you love this one.

Cassie 20:45
Ah yes. The next belief is, it should be easy. If we want to make our relationship work, if we want to be non monogamous, our relationship, etc. It should just be easy.

Josh 20:59
Now, who do you blame more for this? Is it Disney? Or is it polyamorous people?

Cassie 21:04
Oh, I don't know. I think that I'll back it up. I think, honestly, this is a belief that is not just a non monogamous belief. I think this is a belief in general, that folks believe relationships should be easy. Like if it's meant to be it's meant to be, storybook ending, etc, etc. But I do think polyamorous folks take it to a different level because they're like, if you're really polyamorous, or if you're really non monogamous, you shouldn't have so much trouble, it should be easy. And so it really paints this idea that if you have a struggle, then maybe you're not really non monogamous. Or if you're having struggle, there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your partner.

Josh 21:59
And this is why this belief is so damaging, right? So number one, it's complete bull. Like, of course, relationships aren't easy. You can look around you, you look at the divorce rate in the US, which is 50% for first marriages, and it goes up from there, I think it's like 67% for seven second marriages 73% for third, all you have to do is look at that. And go, Huh, doesn't seem particularly easy for people. That's before you throw non monogamy on top of it.

Cassie 22:28
And this is what I'll say, the most rewarding things in the world are not easy. And our relationships are probably the most rewarding things there are, and expecting them to be easy is just silly.

Josh 22:42
Well, and here's the thing with this, right. And this is why this is so destructive, because like Cassie said, this is the problem. If you really believe that it should be easy, that relationships should be easy, that non monogamy should be easy. If you really believe that. And this is the power of beliefs, then when stuff goes wrong. The only way that you can view that is that something's either wrong with you, or wrong with your partner, or wrong with the kind of relationship that you're trying to have. Like there's no other, like it should be easy, stuffs going wrong. Where's the fault? Is it in me? Is it in you? Is it that non monogamy doesn't work? Is it the monogamy doesn't work? Is it whatever? And that is dangerous. Because here's the thing. If this should be easy, and then something's just wrong with me or us, right? Then again, the answer to that becomes well, we just shouldn't be together, we should go find somebody who this is easy with, like this is something that's inherently wrong in our relationship. And this leads people down that path of hopelessness, because I'm basically giving away my power. I'm giving away my power to make a change here by going well, it should be easy. So it's just something that's wrong with me or you or us. So we just need to do something else.

Cassie 24:09
Yeah, and that's where we start getting into conversations about well, we shouldn't be together or we need to seek out, you know, a different kind of relationship, maybe we're gonna have to, like, you know, not do this non monogamy thing and be unhappy or we're just kind of, like, resigned ourselves to being unhappy, right? Like, that's really what it comes down to. And so it comes down to that. And then the other side of it is folks get into a place where they're like, Okay, well this should be easy. And it's it's rough right now. So maybe we just need to wait a little while and then it'll get easy. If you go on just enough you know, so many dates eventually. I'm not going to feel this way. Like if you Go on so many days, I'm not going to feel jealous anymore.

Josh 25:02
If we just talk enough, nevermind has been working for five years. But you know, if we just talk enough, eventually it'll quit. Because it's easy.

Cassie 25:09
Yeah, we're just waiting for the easy thing to happen, right? It's going to eventually happen. And what we see is folks who get into these patterns where what that does, if it's supposed to be easy, and if it's just going to take a little time is they sit and they sit and they sit, and they wait for the easy to happen. And then when it doesn't, then it goes back to what you just mentioned, which is something is wrong. And when something is wrong, then that means we can't work.

Josh 25:43
Well, so it's kind of the two sides of it, right? It's the It should be easy. So if it's not easy, it means we just need to go our separate ways to find something that's easy, or it's it should be easy. So if we just- I was talking to somebody recently who was talking about how the attitude that some of the people they know, that tell them to take towards relationship is basically suck it up long enough until it's fixed. Right? So we'll do that. Of course, that doesn't work either. And and here's the truth of this, like, I want you to adjust your beliefs. It isn't that relationships should be easy. I don't care what people are telling you. I don't care what polyamorous people are telling you, I will tell you from experience, that 70% of the people who are telling you this should be easy. Their relationships are dumpster fires.

Cassie 26:31
Or they don't have any at all.

Josh 26:32
Or that.

Cassie 26:33
They're single.

Josh 26:34
Right, like, or their relationships were a dumpster fire one point now they figured out something that clicked, right? But it doesn't matter. At the end of the day. Of course, relationships aren't easy. Like I said, you don't have to look at anything more than the number of people you know, who have broken up to know that relationships aren't easy, right? And of course, they aren't easy. Cassie mentioned there's nothing worth having is easy. So when we're talking about you shifting your beliefs, what I want you to look at, and to work on for yourself and to believe is that relationships aren't easy. Of course, it's not easy. Of course, you know, doing something that's incredibly complicated that, you know, most of us never learned in school. Most of us a lot of us didn't have great role models for right even if you did have good role models for what a basic relationship looked like. Chances are you didn't have it what non monogamous relationships look like, right? Of course, doing that isn't easy. Of course, if you've been monogamous for a long time, and you're shifting, and you've spent 30, 40, 50 years doing your relationships a certain way, of course, that isn't easy, right? Relationships aren't easy, they don't need to be easy, nothing worth having is, right. So what I want you to do instead is to look at and embrace the belief that you know, relationships, sure they're difficult, right? Or at least learning to have them well is difficult. But our relationships are also worth it. And you can find that path and have amazing relationships. And you know, this one ties pretty closely actually, Cassie with the next belief. Like the one kind of causes the other, but this belief of there's something wrong with me. You want to start on that one you want me to?

Cassie 28:20
Um, I can go ahead and start.

Josh 28:22

Cassie 28:23
So we talk to a lot of folks who they look at their relationships, and this is where we're talking about the whole, you know, if it's not easy, then there's must be something wrong, right? Is we've been together, I love my partner, I want things to work, but it's not working. So there's something wrong with me. Either I'm just not cut out for non monogamy, or I'm a bad partner. Or I just, I can't do good relationships. I had someone the other day who I was talking to was like, you know, I just I don't have the capability to have a good relationship. And when you have that kind of belief, it keeps you from recognizing that you have the ability to have good relationships.

Josh 29:10
Yeah, so this is the thing and this idea of there's something wrong with me, right. And for some people, you know, if they're newer, it may be there's something wrong with me for wanting non monogamy. Right? It may be there's something wrong with me because my partner wants other people. It may be there's all of these things that play in where like Cassie said it may just be well, this isn't easy. We're having problems. There's something wrong with me and you know, here's the thing. So, I want to kind of separate this out, you know, first off being in a place where you're not monogamous or your partner's not monogamous. And wants somebody else. Or any of that right, number one, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. Right? It's just, it's how some people are wired. It might just be how you're wired. It might just be how your partner's wired. I like comparing it a lot of times to like an orientation, I think That's kind of the closest thing that you can connect it to. Right is, like an orientation. Like some people like some kinds of people, some people like other kinds of people, like that's okay. That's just how it is. There's nothing wrong with you with that, right.

Josh 30:14
But I want to move this from - I just want to talk about this, this place that we get of there's something wrong with me when it comes to challenges in the relationship, right? Because here's the thing, we talk to our clients about owning their shit, like taking that level of responsibility for you and your piece of problems in relationship and, you know, the change that you have the power to cause, and wanting to become the best version of yourself as a partner, as a person. Right? Like, that's awesome. And, you know, there's a certain level of taking responsibility that is good and necessary to drive change and improvement in a relationship, right to get to a point of love and connection and security and being in that place that you want. And at the same time, you know, any muscle, any strength, any trait that's overused becomes a weakness, right? And where that taking responsibility becomes a weakness is at the point where you're, you're so much at this point of, there's something wrong with me that you move into hopelessness, and inaction.

Cassie 31:38
Yeah, I tell folks all the time, there's a difference between recognizing, I have things that I do, and things that I contribute that I need to change, versus I myself, am not fixable, I'm broken, it's more of an idea of being broken like that, there's something wrong with me usually means I think I'm broken. And there's a big difference. All of us, every person on this planet has places that they need to improve. And I hope all of us are always continuing to improve. And we need to own in our relationships where we haven't shown up, or where we need to improve. But there's a big difference between taking that ownership and going to a place of strength of like, this is something I need to address versus seeing those things as well, because I have issues with this I am broken and therefore not worthy, or able to have the kind of relationships that I want, right? I'm not worthy are able to have thriving, loving passionate relationships.

Josh 32:47
Yeah, I think that's pretty good on that. Anything else you want to throw in?

Cassie 32:49

Josh 32:50
Okay, so folks, that's been the first three things, right? Things are hopeless, it should be easy. There's something wrong with me. So let's move into the last three beliefs that are sabotaging people's polyamorous relationships.

Cassie 33:03
Oh, yay, number four. Okay. So number four, it takes two or more people to change a relationship. So what this means is, is, well, if we are having a problem, all of we need to be working on it, or doing the things to shift the relationship. I can't do it.

Josh 33:27
And this is pretty common for people, right? This is kind of like the common wisdom. Especially if you know, you have been to couples therapy. It's like I mean, that's what it's called, right? It's couples therapy, it's couples counseling, it's not working on yourself to fix the relationship. And here's the problem with that. And this is where, once again, just talking about the beliefs that we have, and how much they influence the roads that we go down. Right? Because here's the problem with this. There are a ton of circumstances. Well, first off, let me just separate this out. First off, there's always one person who's more motivated to change relationship, for whatever reason,

Cassie 34:13
And that can shift at different times. But there's always somebody who's more motivated.

Josh 34:17
There's always somebody who's more motivated, right? And sometimes that separation and motivation quite often that separation of motivation is enough to where one person's willing to work on a relationship, and the other person is not or the other people are not. Right. And there's a lot of reasons that this happens. A big one we talked about earlier, is hopelessness. If your partner is hopeless, they are not going to seriously work to fix the problem. They may pay lip service to fixing it, but they're not going to have the oomph to actually follow through and that's that's nothing wrong with them. Right. That's just kind of the nature of hopelessness.

Cassie 34:58
And it doesn't mean that they don't want it, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't love for your relationship to be better. It means that they're just not in the place to take those steps to do the things because they're so far down that that hopelessness road already.

Josh 35:15
Other reasons. And by the way, all of these things are still true with what Cassie just said about that, right other reasons that we see. Maybe it's problems in you that you need to change and your partner doesn't feel like it's their problem. Maybe your partner feels like they put in a crap ton of effort before and you haven't, and they don't want to do anything else until they see you make an effort. Right? Maybe their their priorities are different right now. And they're kind of blinded to the problems. One place that we see this a lot is when one partners and NRE, right, and they're getting what they want and what they need. And they're kind of like blinded by the bright, shiny and ignoring all the devastation that's going on at home right now. There's lots of reasons. But at the end of the day, the reason doesn't really matter. What matters is this, because there's so often that only one person is willing to work on a relationship. If you're in a place where your partner isn't willing, and you are and you believe that the only way that's possible to fix it as if two people do, then you're fucked. Like you're fucked, you can do absolutely nothing. You've given up your power, again.

Cassie 36:33
kind of ends up wasting so much time and blowing possibilities and everything else because you're literally at a standstill. If you're waiting for both people or multiple people to all be on the same page and ready to move. You're all gonna sit still until... probably never, right.

Josh 36:53
Well, and often this point comes, again, at the point where the next step is a breakup. Because a lot of these things that we're talking about whether it's hopelessness, whether it is a partner, feeling like you've never done crap, right? Whether it's your partner being too worried about other things, to see what's going on at home, like these are things that tend to come pretty late in the game. And so quite often, the answer is if you're not willing to work on a relationship yourself, then you just need to pack up your shoes and go. Right. So that's the belief, Cassie, what is it that's true,

Cassie 37:38
That I have the power to influence my relationship, I think that is the biggest key belief is that you have that power, to shift your relationship to be the positive impact that can change the trajectory of your entire relationship, that YOU can do that.

Josh 38:03
Here's this truth, like every single one of you, when you're in a relationship with somebody, right, you don't control that person. But you do have an enormous amount of influence in your relationship and in their life. Right. And because of that influence, you have the power and we're talking about power, we're not talking about control, again, we're talking about influence, right, we're talking about the things that are in your control to change, you have the power to shift the trajectory of an entire relationship. We see this all the time with our clients where we work with one person, and we give them the tools to bring things back their partner, and their partner then rises up to the new level. And here's the thing to understand about this. And this is the easiest example I can give you give you this is fighting, it is not possible to fight if both of you are not participating in that. I'm not saying it's not difficult not to fight when your partner wants to instigate. But it's impossible to fight. If you're not both willing to fight.

Cassie 39:09
And talking about this influence, it's not even just stopping the negative, it's also adding the positive. When you show up, and you start acting in a way that is more connective and more loving, and you're showing up as a better partner. That influence we start to mirror the interactions that we have with our partners. We see that all the time. If you spend enough time with someone, you start influencing some of that some of us change how we talk we we change our habits around our partners. So you have that influence you have that power to be able to positively impact the interactions that you have.

Josh 39:50
And like I said, we see it all the time, right. So if you're in a spot where your partner isn't on the same table, like I said, you can choose to believe that you can make that change You can do everything that you can to turn that around and to seize your power and to raise the level of that relationship. Or you can give up. Right? But here's what I'll tell you. There's a lot of relationships that breakup that don't need to purely because one person's waiting for the other person to make a change, whether out of like, tit for tat Ness, or because they don't believe that they can make a change on their own. And, you know, we work all the time with I'd say, What do you think maybe about a third of our clients, a quarter to a third of our clients come through on their own, and we watched them drive change in the relationship.

Cassie 40:36
And I will say this, it is all kinds of different types of relationships, whether it is group relationships, whether it where there's multiple partners, where there's like, V dynamics where there is even poly Mano couples, right? And that one person showing up and deciding to commit to making change for themselves, and being the best partner that they can be completely changes the trajectory of the relationships that they have.

Josh 41:06
And here's the truth, like when I'm talking to a couple who both want to transform the relationship. Sure, I love that. But this is also true, right? If I'm talking to a couple where one person's more in than the other, I would much rather work with the person who's committed than with both, because what winds up happening is when we do that, and we help that one person, they go back and they make a change. Right. But if they have a partner who is uncommitted on even on the very off chance that their partner actually agrees to take the steps and do the work with them, which they usually don't. what winds up happening is they wind up sabotaging the progress that person could have made. Right? Not intentionally, but because what?

Cassie 41:51
Oh, I will, go ahead and finish what you're saying,

Josh 41:53
Well, no, I think you're probably about to say better than me.

Cassie 41:55
Oh, well, I was I was gonna say, you know, when I talk to folks, and they come in, and they're, they're a couple or group, right, and I'm talking to them, I'm like, it's great that you're all here. And this is something I want to kind of bust a myth, we're talking about beliefs, I'm going to kind of put this out there. Working on your relationship, even if everybody is in the room is an individual journey. And this is something I tell our clients on their first, like first coaching call is I don't care how many of you are in the room, this is an independent journey. And yes, you might be walking that path together. And you might all have the same outcome that you want of having a wonderful thriving connective passionate relationship. But it is an individual journey. And you are responsible for the progress that you make in how you show up in your relationships. And when you do that, you make the impact. When you're considering it a wee thing, or you're you're relying on your partner, it actually slows down the process.

Josh 43:02
So next belief that sabotage people's relationships: We'll never break up. This blows my mind. I talk to people all the time, who are in a place where things are really super dire by any any measure. And it would be clear to them if they were talking to a friend or somebody else who was in this place, that their relationship is at a really serious point. And yet they have this belief, a completely unjustified belief, that it could never happen to them. Like they they'd never, they'll never break up. Right, they'll never lose each other. And the problem with that is this. And you may be sitting there going like Josh, like why, why is that a problem like that sounds like a great belief for people to have, well, this goes to this point, again, of anything, any strength that's ever used, becomes a weakness, because here's the problem. Having security in your relationship is great when that relationship is actually secure. But we're all human, and the amount of work and effort that we're willing to put in to making a change, right, the investment of time, and energy, and resources, and effort that we're willing to put in to making a change is in direct proportion to the seriousness of not fixing that problem. So when people are in this spot, like like I said, a sense of security in your relationship. Yeah, that's an amazing quality, if that security is there, but again, any trait that's overused, becomes a weakness and being secure in a relationship that's falling apart around you isn't helpful. Like, I love optimism. I love I love optimistic people. But optimism, it just isn't a strategy for a successful relationship.

Cassie 45:16
Yeah, and it's, here's the thing, you know, we've been talking a lot about having empowering beliefs and like having the empowering belief that me and my partner can overcome these challenges and stay together is a great one. That's an empowering belief. But it's not an empowering belief to believe, we'll just stay together, no matter what.

Josh 45:39
Or to believe this challenges just aren't there. And we're just, you know, if we just stick our head in the sand.

Cassie 45:43
And that's the thing, when we're talking about beliefs, we want you to have solid beliefs, right? We want you to have real beliefs based on real evidence, like when we're talking about the hopelessness and looking around and seeing all the wonderful, amazing non monogamous relationships that are there. Those are real things, we don't want you to have beliefs that are placed on not reality, right? So if your relationship isn't in a stable place, having this belief that well, regardless of that, we're just going to stay together forevers and evers. Well, what you're doing is you're really not building a empowering belief. You're building a false belief, and putting faith in that, which will then cause you not to take action and work on the things that you need to.

Josh 46:31
So I think the empowering version of this is probably like, yes, like we can overcome these challenges. But I want to give you some questions, because I think with this belief, it isn't so much about empowering beliefs, as it is about breaking down this hurtful belief, right? So let me throw just some stuff out here. Right? And then some questions.

Cassie 46:51
Maybe some facts?

Josh 46:51
That you can ask for yourself. Right. So number one, and we already discussed this, but let's just be objective here. Right? Just numbers. I already talked about the statistics, 50%, of first marriages, 67% for second, 73% for third, those are numbers. That is for people who are married. And you know, a lot of people we talk to are married but a lot of people also aren't. And marriage tends to make it harder for people to disentangle their lives. So if you're not married, that chance of you breaking up are going to be higher than that. And that's without non monogamy in the mix. And again, while non monogamy is a wonderful, beautiful thing, the one thing it does not do is make your relationship less complicated.

Josh 47:39
Okay, so here's kind of what I want you to think about, like if you're in this place, I'm going to I'm just going to spit ball some questions here, Cassie. But if you're in this place, where you're like, No, it would never happen to me. I want you to realize, number one, that no relationship is sustainable at a certain level of unhealthiness for the people in it. It's just not, or become something that should not be sustained. Right,

Cassie 48:07
Mm. Even more important.

Josh 48:08
And here are some questions that you can kind of ask yourself, and I'm just kind of pulling these off the top my head, Cassie, but like, what I kind of challenge you to think about this, right? When you're saying I would never break up. Like, number one, like, has that really been true before? So many of these people I talked to like I would never break up are on like their second or third marriage. Clearly, you have a level of tolerance at which you are not willing to do this anymore. Right. So that might be one question. That question of hopelessness is going to come in here. Right, like, am I hopeless? Is my partner hopeless? Again, like a relationship isn't sustainable very long once that hope is gone. Right. Have we talked about or gotten to the point of breaking up? Again, it shocks a number of people who tell me that we'd never break up right after they told me that they were just talking about getting divorced last night.

Cassie 49:08
For like the 80th time.

Josh 49:11
Right? If you're having those conversations, that's a red flag. I know you say this all the time. But are you starting to wonder or picture life being better without your partner in it?

Josh 49:31
Have you separated before? Like again, this is something that like, we'd never get divorced, it will never happen. Oh, but we've, we've divorced each other already and gotten back together. Or, you know, we spent, however long separated, or I moved out three times. And those are all things that you can look at. But really at the end of the day, I just want you to ask yourself, like what's going on here for you and your partner like How long is this really sustainable?

Josh 50:07
And even if it somehow was sustainable, and I could drag through this and work through this for the kids, or whatever, like, is that a life I really want? Is that the example I really want to set for my kids? Is two people are miserable and despise each other. But hey, they're still together.

Cassie 50:21
Is that really what I want for my partner? Like, do I really want to sit with this person? Because obviously, you love this person, right? And see 5, 10 years down the line, that basically we're roommates who hate each other, but we're still together, we're still together, because that's what we've, you know, kind of decided that we're going to do regardless of how bad things are.

Josh 50:45
I know you like talking about resentment, too.

Cassie 50:47
Oh, yeah. And the longer that this stuff goes on, right, the more resentment builds. And when we have that level of resentment, and it's, it's not cute, right? Like, we have some of these pop culture kind of ideas of like the people who decide that they're going to stay together forever. And it's like the two really old, you know, married couple who sit there and, you know, argue and bicker and things like that. It's not cute, right? Like, you end up building this resentment that you carry with you. And you create more distance you find excuses not to spend time together. And then with those things, you end up actually causing issues in other areas of life. I start intervening with your other relationships and our time together gets messed up and things like that. And it just ends up building into this just like very unhealthy pattern.

Josh 51:44
And the last thing you can really look at question wise without right is, and this kind of ties into hopelessness, right, but the idea of incompatibility. That we might not have a future, we might not be compatible, we don't know how to make it through this, right. And here's the thing, folks, at the end of the day, you know, I can throw all this stuff out here. But you know, when, when you're talking about risk management, right, and you're looking at risk management, you talk about the likelihood of things, and the impact of things, right. And breaking up is a high probability event. Right? Breaking up is a high probability event. And it's higher for some people than others. And you should know and look at those warning signs. And be honest about how high probability that is for you, right. And also, it is incredibly high impact, there is very few things in life that are as impactful as breaking up with somebody, as losing that future. Right? As tearing your home apart. As you know, having your kids now grow up in separate houses. In I mean, if you're depending on how entangled you are, you know, when and separating out your home and finding a new place to live in starting over, in being depressed and upset and paying tens of thousands of dollars for a divorce and losing 80% of your your family's like wealth, and like all these things that come from breaking up. And again, it depends on how entangled you are and all these things. But no matter what, right, you know, seven years of grieving is like the average, like, it's huge, right?

Josh 53:29
Breaking up is incredibly high impact. And because it's high impact, it's important to be realistic with yourself about how probable it is. And again, not to stick your head in the sand. Because while I love optimism, that sticking your head in the sand means that you're not willing to give it the seriousness and attention that it needs to fix the relationship and to have that thriving, secure, happy life that you deserve, and your family deserves. And here's the last piece of this that I want you to have, that's really important, which is even for people who are being realistic, very few people, and you talk about this all the time Cassie, very few people have a realistic idea of how close to a breaking point the breaking point they are until it's right on top of them.

Cassie 54:13
Yeah, this is one of the things that we recognize when we are working with people is that most of us don't know when that last straw that breaks the camel's back is. We're not aware of what the last thing is going to be. We know things are building we know that we're unhappy. But that point at which where we're like-

Josh 54:35
I'm done.

Cassie 54:36
I'm done, the hopelessness has gotten to a point where I can't do anymore. Most of us are not super clear as to when that is. And that's not to say that like you know you you aren't self aware about other things, but it is hard to know exactly when that is. You know that there's problems, you know that their struggles, but we often overestimate how much more we have. Because we love our partners, we want to see things succeed. We want a future together. So we overestimate it. It's Oh, I can I can handle this more, I can give it more time, I can give it more time. And because we overestimate it, when it does happen, it's Oh, wow, I didn't even know. But now that's where we're at.

Josh 55:21
And we hear this all the time from people, we have conversations with them, where they're like, No, you know, things really aren't that bad. And we get an email from them two weeks later, like, hey, we broke up, we're done. We're divorced, moved out, obviously, not divorced, in the process of getting divorced, right. Like we're filing papers, like we see this all the time. And so listen, folks like this idea, again, I'm never breaking up, I get where it comes from. Right, none of us want to think about breaking up with our partner, right? And when we feel like if we just believe it enough, it'll happen. But that's, that's clearly not true. Right? So I want you to get rid of this belief that we'll never break up, and I want you to understand that anybody can break up. I'm like, Cassie, and I have been on the verge of breaking up at points earlier in our relationship. Like, that's what got us into this journey in the first place. Right. And I'm still under no illusions that if we stopped taking care of our relationship and it got bad enough, there will become a point where we're not willing to tolerate it.

Cassie 56:15
And that's the belief that I really want folks to walk away with is that if I don't do the work, if our relationship is not healthy enough, it will not succeed. But we have the ability to do those things, we have the ability to overcome all those challenges.

Josh 56:35
Okay. Cassie, you want to talk about the last one. I know how much you love this one, so very much.

Cassie 56:42
You said that about all of them. Um.

Josh 56:44
I want to talk about the diminishing intent side of this, but if you want to launch into it.

Cassie 56:48

Josh 56:48
And go from there.

Cassie 56:49
Um, so yeah, we hear this all the time. And it is really harmful. And what it is, is go ahead.

Josh 56:57
Oh, I was gonna say don't forget to actually say it, though.

Cassie 56:59
No, I'm not going to.

Josh 57:00

Cassie 57:00
It's really, really harmful. I'm kind of just like, bracing, right? It's really harmful. Because a lot of folks really, really believe this. Like, this isn't even one of those like subconscious beliefs. This is one that folks like, Absolutely, this is a belief I have. Which is it needs to be the right time to fix things. And because it's one that's super conscious, it tends to be one of the biggest, like problematic ones. And it looks like this. Well, we have issues in our relationships, we're not communicating well, we're not intimate, we are angry with each other everyday, we're arguing all the time. But we really need to fix the kitchen, like remodel the house, or, you know, I've got some big things going on with my job right now. And we'll get to that later. And it's this idea that there's other things that need to be done. And then at a later point, we're going to address stuff. And a lot of folks and at the core, like, the reason why people believe that is they think, Oh, if I get these other things out of the way, I can focus on this. And if I, you know, give my full attention to these things, I'll get them done, it'll be one less thing on my plate. And the truth is, is that what ends up happening is we put things off, and then they get worse. So I'll let it pick up from there.

Josh 58:28
Well yeah, so there's kind of two prongs, first of our relationships are always either getting better, or they're getting worse, they never say stagnant. Right? So things are going poorly. And we are waiting for the right time to fix things. What happens is that things get worse and worse and worse. And here's the problem. There is never a right time or convenient time to fix our relationship. Like if you're waiting for that, it will never come and your relationship will continue to get worse. And the only saving grace is if it eventually gets bad enough that it becomes a crisis. You're like oh, now we have to do something even though it's not convenient. Right? But by that point, who knows? I had-

Josh 59:03
So for those of you who know our background, right? It's a little story here. I'll tell you. I spent - I was a detective for years and years and years. And so when you're in that job, you know, the partners you work with, you get really close to, like you spend more time with him than you do at home. Right. So you get really, really close to your partners. And many years ago, Cassie, so and again, for those of you who know, our backstory have been listening to us for a long time, especially those that have may have been listening to the show for a long time and kind of heard the evolution of this over the years. You'll know that for a long time. You know, one of the difficulties between Cassie and I was around kids, right? Like we have an older son who's 18 now and I really didn't want any Kids and Cassie really did. And this was a years and years and years long thing until we finally had settled on, on adopting, and then the decision got taken out of our hands anyways. And now we have wonderful, wonderful little bundle of little lion. Right?

Cassie 1:00:18
That's a story for another day.

Josh 1:00:19
That's a story for another day about why you should not necessarily trust contraceptives. But anyways, right. This is the funny thing about this, though. So again, I'll take this back many, many years. And Cass and I were talking about having a kid this was back at a point where I was open to having a kid. I got less and less agreeable to it as time went on, and our son got older, and we were closer and closer to not having kids in the house. Right. But we had a point where we'de been talking about this for a long, long time. And I was- we were - I was in the car with my partner, and we were driving around here.

Cassie 1:00:50
Like five years.

Josh 1:00:50
Yeah. And we were talking. And I talked to him about this right. And, and, you know, he had this conversation he's like, so you know, what, what are you waiting for? I said, Well, you know, I'm waiting for the right time like this is going on, that's going on, this is going on. He said, Josh, that there's never a right time to have a kid, like, there's never going to be a convenient time to have a kid, you're gonna be waiting forever, like, just buckle up and do it and I didn't. And it wound up, you know, getting to a spot where it never never was the right time, never was the right time until it happened, right. And I say this, because it's the same thing with your relationship, there's never going to be a right time and a convenient time to fix your relationship, there's only going to be the time that you make now. Right, the time that you make now, to do this, and to decide your relationship is a priority and to fix the problems and to get out of the struggles and to build the life and the love and the security that you deserve, and your family deserves.

Josh 1:01:47
And there's one more piece here of this. Right. And this is something that's called the law of diminishing intent, because this is something that a lot of people get completely backwards about doing important things, and getting into action around important things. Right? A lot of times we talk to people, they're like, oh, you know, I, you know, like they think I definitely need to do something about my relationship. Let me just see how I feel about it tomorrow. Let me just see, I feel about next day. Right, man, this is really bad. And how many times have you done this? This is what New Year's resolutions are made of. Right? Oh, absolutely. You know what I'm going to get to the gym this year. That's absolutely what I'm doing. And then the further and further away you get from that decision. Right, the less and less strong it is. And this is what's called the law of diminishing intent. And this is this is something that's pretty well known and like the personal development coaching spaces, right? The truth is, most people think that you have an important decision, you just sit on it. And that's the complete opposite of how things actually work. So what the law of diminishing intent states is that when you have that aha moment, when you have that moment of clarity, of realization, that something needs to change. You have that huge fight, and your partner moves out and then comes back. Right? Like, you realize that you're at that point of getting hopeless.

Josh 1:03:23
Your partner is like, hey, you know, I'm finally willing to work on things. Or you finally have that realization, hey, I really need to work on myself, like I have not been showing up in this relationship all these years. Or your kid comes to you and asks you why you're so unhappy. The further away you get from that moment of clarity without taking action, the less likely you are to ever actually do anything about it. Right. It's like when I've seen this like charted out on a graph, right, and like you have that moment of clarity, and you have it here. And you're most likely to take action in that moment. And then the further and further and further and further and further away you get, the less likely you are. And we see this all the time when we're talking to people about their relationships, right? I talk to somebody about their relationships, and they're like, I absolutely need to change. I have that clarity, like, I'm ready for something better. I want a better relationship, the people who are going, who make that decision right in that moment, and get on the right path and start transforming things. They're the ones who do, and the people like, you know, I need to think I need to sleep.

Cassie 1:04:36
Let me finish this project.

Josh 1:04:37
I mean, you know, I need to give this some more thought about what I want to do. They're the ones who don't. And the reason is really simple, right? It's because of that law of diminishing intent. The further away you get from that aha moment, the less likely you are to take action. And this is so critical. And Cassie I appreciate you kind of giving the floor to me for this because this was actually the thing that I think started this whole, this whole belief training from was running into this with people.

Josh 1:05:05
Folks. So often we talk to people, and we even see this in the people who get on our calls, and we talk to when they get the help versus don't. Right. Like, we'll have people who they like, set up a call, and they're like, Oh, my God, like, this is horrible, like, things are going so bad, I really need something different. And then it's three days later, they're like, oh, yeah, you know, like, works been kind of hard. You know, my family, I think maybe just later, I'll think about fixing this. Listen, all of you here. Your relationships are either getting better, or they're getting worse. When you have that moment of clarity, when you have that aha moment that something needs to change. And we all have it, and you have a few of them. Probably, right, you may have one that's bigger than others. But you probably have had that a few times over the years of your relationship, if things have been going wrong for a long time, that aha moment that something needs to change, right? The further away you get from that moment of clarity without starting to make things better, without getting into action and not just getting into action, because everybody talks about getting into action as like the thing. But it isn't just about getting into action. Because when you get into the wrong action, you get into the wrong action, you do it, it doesn't work. And then you just get hopeless. And then you give up, it's getting into the right action, it's action that actually starts to turn things around, that starts to increase the level of relationships,it starts to make things better, that starts to give you hope for the future again. The further away you get from that, the less likely you're going to be to take action. And you keep doing that right up to the moment where the shoe drops. And now there has been that straw this broken the camel's back, and somebody is no longer willing to continue.

Josh 1:06:53
And I cannot tell you the number of times I've talked to people who've said, I knew I should have. I told you, Cassie, I talked to somebody recently. And this is it's pretty common, right? But I talked to her on the phone, and it was somebody who had booked a call with us, like six months ago, hadn't showed up, hadn't rescheduled, life had gotten busy. And then you know, at the point where I talked to her you know, her partner was completely out, there was no chance of repairing things, she was like, I knew I should have done this, I knew I should have done this back when I booked it. I know, if I had just done it then, things could have been turned around. And now I have to carry that. That doesn't need to be you. When you have that aha moment that something needs to change in your relationship, do not wait for the perfect time, it will never come. What will come is things getting worse. Seize that moment, you do not have anything that is more important than healing things with the people that you love. And make a change. Okay, Cassie, what do you wanna throw in there?

Cassie 1:08:12
Um, just one thing I figured I'll tag on is you mentioned that there's probably been aha moments before, right. And I want to just point this out in case one of you is sitting there, and it's like, well, I had an aha moment. I'm gonna wait for the next one. The problem is, the next aha moment might be the straw that broke the camel's back. That's the problem is that aha moment that you have where, you know, you're like, wow, my relationship needs to change. The next Aha, might be I'm done. That might be the next big awakening for you is that you don't have any more to give, you don't have the ability to go forward. So you don't want to be sitting there waiting.

Josh 1:08:58
Or your partner doesn't.

Cassie 1:08:59
Yeah, or your partner doesn't. You don't want to be sitting for that next thing. So if you've had that already, don't wait for the next one. Because the next one might be that that bright shining, like sort of, you know, I'm going to be honest with you, and you're talking about that clarity. It's also sometimes like a smack in the face, right? When you have that like, right, this is bad. This is something that needs change right now. It might be at that point. Well, it needs change. And we're done. So like don't wait for that next Aha.

Josh 1:09:34
Yeah, you're guaranteed in an aha moment before things are gone. Especially not if you ignored already. Right. So here's the thing, folks, again, what I want you Okay, so I want to reframe this, again, is the belief that I that you need to take, right, it isn't waiting for the right time to fix things. The belief that you should take here is that you know, really and it's kind of wrapping all of this up, right? If I'm wrapping all like all these beliefs, and busting these and reframing them with a powerful belief, out of every single thing here, it would be this, right?

Josh 1:10:13
Our relationships can be difficult, they can be fragile. And they are also the most important things that we have in our lives. And they can be changed, they can be transformed, you can transform them, even if it's just you. Right? But because our relationships are so important, when stuff needs to change, change it, don't wait. Don't put your head in the sand. Don't wait for the right time. Don't wait for the convenient time, it's never going to come. Right? The people you have in your lives, your family, the people you love, like, those are the most important things that you have. When you realize that something needs attention, realize that it can be fixed, you can fix it, and then get into action and get the help and the support that you need to make that happen and to get that security and that love. And that solidness that you need and want in your relationships, that you can have that future together. And you can have the life that all of you deserve to live. Anything else you want to throw in there?

Cassie 1:11:37

Josh 1:11:37
Cool. And if that is a place that you're at, and that's something that you need and want for yourself, and you're ready for change, and you realize you need some support to break out of the place that you're in and start turning things around. And you're ready to do that. We can help. That's what we do. Of course.

Josh 1:11:56
You can go to and we'll chat with you. Right, and we'll chat with you about where you're at, about what's possible, about a plan to change things and about, you know, if it makes sense, if we can help you do that, right? And if not, what you need to be doing and where you need to go. Right? So go to, like I said, it'll take you to our calendar, grab a time, you'll talk to us or somebody on our team, right? And we will come up with that plan for you talk about what's going on what steps you need to take and get you on the path to having that relationship that you deserve. And whatever beliefs that you have that are disempowering you, whether it's your hopeless, or it should be easy, or there's something wrong with you or whatever, right? We're going to kind of break through those and get to the truth of what's there, and what's really going on and what's possible for you. And we'd love to help you do that. All right.

Josh 1:12:50
So this has run a little long. But I think it's pretty good. Folks really understand, like I said, I know beliefs don't normally operate up here, right, like at the forefront. But I hope this has made clear to you these places that people stumble. And I want you to look for these things in your own relationship. And if they are, if any of those things are showing up for you, things are hopeless, it should be easy, there's something wrong with me, it takes two or more people to change, or we'll never break up. It needs to be the right time to fix things. Right? I want you to understand that our beliefs wind up changing the course, like I said, most of the time becoming self fulfilling prophecies, unless it's a belief it causes to stick our head in the sand and not do what we need to do. And then it becomes self fulfilling the other way, right. But I want you to understand that those beliefs become self fulfilling to look for those things in yourself. And if you're recognizing those things, address it, and do what you need to do. And you're all awesome. And we'll be here to support you. So until next time.

Josh 1:13:58
Thanks for tuning into today's show, we release new episodes every week. So make sure to subscribe.

Cassie 1:14:04
If you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us. Here's what I want you to do next, head over to and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour and we'll get you crystal clear on three things. What's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like and a step by step plan to close the gap and save your family even if nothing has worked before

Josh 1:14:31
We talk with hundreds of non monogamous folks like you every year and here's the truth, building loving, thriving relationships that doesn't happen on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you were building relationships outside the box, that's impossible to find and we get it. But that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families get the passion back and become fast friends again.

Cassie 1:14:55
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same head over to I'm Cassie.

Josh 1:15:03
And I'm Josh. Let's Talk soon