You’re Not Alone: Finding a Kinky Partner

Published: October 7, 2016 • Updated: March 29, 2017 • by rigel

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This is the second article in a two-part series. if you haven’t done so already you should read the first article before continuing.

Are you going to die kinky and lonely?

Finding a partner is hard enough in the vanilla world. But it can seem impossible in the kink world. You want to find a quality partner, but you want to find someone who meets your unique needs. It can be hard to know the best path because most of the information out there targets vanilla relationships.

If you find yourself asking any of the following questions, this article is for you!

  1. What do I need to know before getting started?
  2. Do I have a better chance of meeting someone online or offline?
  3. Where do the kinky people hang out?
  4. How should I approach a potential partner?
  5. What steps can I take to stay safe?

I’ve done my best to be as thorough as possible and to provide a complete guide to help you in your search.

Let’s get started…

Kinky dating is NOT the same as vanilla dating

Finding a kinky partner is different than finding a vanilla partner. It’s also harder for one simple reason: You’ve eliminated most of the people you are likely to run across as potential partners.

The landscape around kink has changed considerably in the last few years. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades of Grey has thrust kink into the mainstream. Kink has become more acceptable in the last few years, and the kink community has grown accordingly. Kinky social events are increasingly easy to find. Kink clubs are opening in major metropolitan areas, and kinky online communities have grown to unbelievable sizes. Fetlife, a kinky social networking site, boasts over five million users1On its homepage, Fetlife.com claims 5,203,275 members as of 09/04/16..

In the olden days, most of the advice on finding a kinky partner went something like this: The scene is small. There are few people in the kink community to begin with. Most of the people in the kink community are taken. Ergo, your best bet is to find a partner in the vanilla world and then introduce them to kink.

But the world has changed. Finding a vanilla partner and introducing them to kink is no longer the best option. If you are partnered when starting on your kink journey, introducing your partner to kink may be your best option. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Imagine that you’re a poly, kinky, video game nerd. Which do you think is easier? Finding a poly kinkster who likes video games? Or finding a dominant who enjoys caning and rough sex and is open to polyamory in the vanilla world?

The idea that you’re more likely to be successful searching for a partner in the kink world is central to the rest of this article. It affects everything from what you should know before starting your search, to where to look, to how to approach a potential partner.

Now that we’ve got that down, let’s move on.

The three questions you MUST be able to answer before continuing

Before you go a single step further, you must know the answer to three critically important questions:

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I looking for?
  3. What do I have to offer?

These questions seem deceptively simple, but answering them is anything but. In fact it’s difficult enough that I had to separate this part out into its own post.

Until you can answer these questions accurately, you’re wasting your time reading the rest of this post. In fact, you’re wasting your time looking for a kinky partner at all.

So, if you haven’t already, go read that post now before going any further:

Lousy Self-Awareness Is Keeping You from Finding a Kinky Partner (And Here’s How to Fix It)

Hunt where the kinky people hide

In this wonderful, digital world we live in, you have two options for meeting people. Online and offline.

Should you search for partners online?

First, let’s discuss online dating. Earlier this year, we interviewed a ton of kinksters regarding their dating experiences. Every single person we spoke to had an online dating profile on at least one site. Pew Research reports that the number of people who reported using a dating site was 27% for 18 to 24 year olds and 15% for all adults in 2015.2Smith, Aaron. “15% of American Adults Have Used Online Dating Sites or Mobile Dating Apps.” Pew Research Center Internet Science Tech RSS. Pew Research Center, 11 Feb. 2016. Web. 06 Sept. 2016.

Does online dating work? Sometimes. The jury is still out concerning if online dating is more effective than going out and searching.3Dewy, Catlin. “Does Online Dating Work? Let’s Be Honest: We Have No Idea.” Washington Post. The Washington Post, 30 Sept. 2014. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. What most studies do agree on is that personality matching is bullshit.4Finkel, E. J., et al. “Online Dating: A Critical Analysis from the Perspective of Psychological Science.” Psychological Science in the Public Interest13.1 (2012): 3-66. Web.

If you’re trying to find a kinky partner, here’s my opinion: The best way to find a partner is to go out and meet people in person.

However, there are a few situations where meeting people online may be preferable. For example, you may want to avoid going out to live events due to job or legal concerns, or you may live in a rural area without easy access to a kink community.

So, let’s explore the different places you can look for a kinky partner online.

Kinky dating sites

These days, there are dating websites made specifically for kinky people. Most of these sites let you search by common factors, such as location or age. In addition, many let you search by kink-specific criteria, such as whether you’re looking for a dominant or submissive.

The main benefit to kinky dating sites? You can often get an initial idea of your sexual and kink compatibility from just from looking at a potential partner’s profile. People on these sites are also likely to be open to frank conversations about sex and kink.

There are a number of kinky dating sites that you may find helpful. At the time I’m writing this article (September of 2016) CollarSpace is a popular option. But there are a number of other options available; in fact, there are way too many kinky dating sites to include here. So instead we wrote an 11-page report for you. It includes:

• The different places you can find kinksters online, and a description of each.
• Our opinion on the best options.
• Strategies to help you succeed on different kinds of sites

You can download this free report here.

Some of you may notice I didn’t include Fetlife on the list. That’s because Fetlife isn’t a dating site. It’s a social media site; like Facebook for kinky people. You can’t search for users the way you can on a dating site. However, Fetlife is an important part of your search for a partner, and I’ll discuss it later in the post.

Vanilla dating sites

Kink-specific dating sites have their uses, but their usefulness can be negated by the crowd they attract. When you go out to kink events, others will warn you about individuals who are unsafe, or immoral, or inexperienced. This is rare on kinky dating sites.

In addition, many of these sites are poorly moderated. This equates to a poor experience for a lot of users, particularly the female-bodied. Because of these problems, kinksters increasingly choose vanilla dating sites when seeking partners online.

Again, you have several options. And again, you should check out our free list. But there are two sites I’d like to mention here.

OKCupid is popular with kinky people. The site has helpful profile options (such as “polyamorous”). It also has enough questions regarding sexuality to allow you to get a decent idea of what someone might be into.

Another popular “vanilla” option among kinky people is Tinder. Tinder is marketed as a hook-up app, not as a tool for finding a long-term relationship. However, I do know several couples who met through Tinder, and many singles use Tinder as their primary dating app. Some people find that getting to know someone through chatting is more natural and effective than reading hundreds of personality questions.

On any vanilla site, it can be helpful to state that you’re kinky or poly at the top of your profile. You may also want to include your experience level and a basic description of what you’re looking for. Keep it appropriate for the site.

How to win at online dating

If you decide to go the online dating route, you should keep a couple of things in mind.

First, writing an online dating profile that gets results is an art in and of itself. We made a video. Go watch it. It tells you how to write an online dating profile that gets results.

Second, I told you earlier that you should think about your definition of physical attractiveness. An important caveat is this: Don’t put what you’re looking for physically in your profile. Many people (especially women) get put off by references to appearance, even the ones who meet your criteria! Don’t do it.

Third, if a potential partner lives too far away, the growth of the relationship will be capped. It will be capped by the amount the two of you are able and willing to travel. Some people look for distance relationships specifically to keep a relationship from growing beyond a certain level. Decide up front what distance you’re willing to travel. Limit your search to that area.

Fourth, read people’s profiles before messaging them. Don’t be the thousandth dick asking a domme to submit to you.

Next, if you find someone you’re interested in, great! I have some tips later in the post on how to talk to potential partners. Use them. If a message you’re writing would make you sound like an asshole in person, don’t send it! This means no messages saying, “My nickname is Third-leg Greg.” No dick pics. And no offering to send someone your balls in the mail.

Finally, if you do meet someone online, meet them offline as quickly as possible. Research suggests that a long period of chatting before meeting can be detrimental.5Finkel, E. J., et al. “Online Dating: A Critical Analysis from the Perspective of Psychological Science.” Psychological Science in the Public Interest13.1 (2012): 3-66. Web. Meeting in person is the best way to evaluate chemistry.

Find kinksters in real life

Many vanilla dating authorities have this to say about looking for a partner: Get out of the house. Don’t go to bars, but go to places you would go even if you weren’t looking for a date. The idea is that by going to places you enjoy, you increase your chances of meeting someone who is compatible with you.

Many of those trying to find a kinky partner spend all of their time behind a computer. They fail to get out of the house and meet people. Dating sites can be a viable way find potential partners, but I think it is best to use the internet as a tool to find other kinky people in your area. Then, get off your ass and go where the kinksters are.

When you go out to kink events, your odds of finding a compatible partner do increase, as do your chances of forming friendships. Not only are friendships healthy, but statistically, you’re most likely to meet a partner through your friends than through any other means.6Rosenfeld, M. J., and R. J. Thomas. “Searching for a Mate: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary.” American Sociological Review 77.4 (2012): 523-47. Web. 7Kelly, Maura. “How Americans Meet Their Spouses.” WSJ. Wsj.com, 27 Mar. 2014. Web. 06 Sept. 2016.8Leibowitz, Lauren. “The Way Most People Meet Their Significant Others Is Probably Not What You Think.” Mic. Mic, 25 Oct. 2015. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. Once your friends trust you, they’ll be happy to introduce you to other kinky friends with whom they think you’re compatible. Your chances of finding a kinky partner surge.

The internet is the best way to find kinky groups if you know where to look. Googling “kink events” isn’t ideal. This is because most kink events don’t promote themselves outside of specific sites. Instead, you should look on Fetlife or on one of the other event-focused platforms on our list of sites.

Most of the kink events you find will fall into one of the following categories:

Munches

Munches are the best places for a single kinkster to go. A munch is a get-together of kinky people usually held at a restaurant, bar, or other casual venue. Since there is no play and no (or short) instruction, the focus is on social interactions. This means that you’ll have ample opportunity to talk to people and get to know them. Munches are also a great place to find out about other events in your area.

Educational groups

Educational groups usually hold regular classes that are taught by presenters on various kinky topics. They’re amazing places to learn! Unlike munches, most of the schedule is dedicated to instruction. This can make it hard to find opportunities to speak with people. You may be able to meet with people before or after the class. These groups are often good places to look for volunteer opportunities.

Clubs and play parties

When you hear the words “play party,” do you think these events might be a good place to go get laid? Think again. Most of the scenes that happen at a kink event are pre-planned. Those that aren’t tend to take place between people who have an established relationship. The chances of you going to a play party where you don’t know anyone and scening or having sex are slim.

Don’t get me wrong: you can learn to master pick up play, but it takes time, practice, and often a good reputation. And even all those qualities don’t guarantee you success on any particular night.

Play parties (which may be at a kink club or at a private home) are places where kinksters congregate to play. Most people attending play parties have pre-planned scenes that demand their time. The events are often noisy. These factors make play parties suck for forming new connections.

This doesn’t mean that play parties are useless in your search for a kinky partner though! If you’re new to the kink world, going out to a kink event and watching others play may give you some ideas on what activities interest you. But most importantly, a party provides you with a safe space to play with a new partner. More on this later.

Gay and lesbian bars

A great deal of outdated dating advice instructs you to go to gay or lesbian bars when searching for a kinky partner. I believe that these days going to gay bars is a waste of time unless you identify as gay or lesbian and are going to a leather bar. Or if you live in some weird location that has no kink events but still has a gay bar.

Check the websites on our list to find gay and lesbian specific BDSM groups in your area before making your decision.

Volunteering can get you laid

Volunteering is a great way to get laid.

No, really.

In researching for this article, I read a lot of advice written for vanilla singles looking to meet partners. Much of the advice is different, but some is applicable to your search. One of the things I found most interesting was the number of sources that suggested volunteering as a way to meet potential partners.9DrNerdLove. “5 More Places to Meet Women (That Aren’t Bars or Clubs).” Paging Dr NerdLove. Paging Dr NerdLove, 26 Aug. 2012. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. 10Meade, Aimee. “Forget Tinder – Find Your Valentine by Volunteering for Charity.” The Guardian. Guardian News and Media, 14 Feb. 2014. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. 11Reuler, Ben. “Why Volunteering Is the Greatest Dating Platform on the Planet.” The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, 18 Nov. 2013. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. 12Khona, Rachel. “The 10 Best Places to Meet Women Outside of Bars.”AskMen. AskMen, n.d. Web. 06 Sept. 2016.

Why? First, it gets you interacting with other people who share your interests. Second, it increases your self-esteem, which is attractive to potential partners. Third, it shows you to be a caring and constructive person. And finally, volunteering in any aspect of life is one of the best ways to expand your network of connections. More connections in the kink world means more chances to meet compatible partners and to make kinky friends who might introduce you to possible partners.

Fun fact: Women volunteer at a greater rate than men.13“Volunteering in the United States, 2015.” U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 25 Feb. 2016. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. 14https://www.facebook.com/priceonomics. “Why Don’t Men Volunteer as Much as Women?” Priceonomics. N.p., 17 Dec. 2015. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. If you’re interested in women, that’s definitely a bonus.

Master the art of the approach

It’s time for the fun part. Let’s discuss how to approach a kinkster as a potential partner.

Make a good first impression

Making a good impression starts before you step foot out of the house. First impressions are everything. Put on some decent clothes. Brush your teeth. Making yourself presentable doesn’t take a lot of time and it is fairly cheap.

Suck up the gross shit

When you’re meeting kinky people, it’s important to keep an open mind. You are not going to want to try every single one of the thousands of possible kinky activities. In fact, you’ll probably find a few quite off-putting. That’s fine. Someone somewhere is put off by your kinks. You don’t have to like their kinks; you have to be respectful.

Never fucking do this!

One of the biggest mistakes I see people new to kink make is engaging someone in an inappropriate way without their permission. The person you’re talking to may identify as a sub, but they’re not your sub.

If you’re a top, don’t expect the cute girl you just met to call you Grand Master Dickhead (or whatever other title you just created for yourself). Don’t expect her to kneel at your feet. If you’re a bottom, don’t approach someone and address them as Master or Mistress. You’re engaging this person in kinky activities without negotiating or receiving their consent. Don’t do it. Ever.

I also want to clarify something that can cause confusion at first. Let’s say you’re at a kink event and you see two people engaging in a kink interaction even though you haven’t seen them negotiate. Maybe the subbie girl you’re interested in approaches a third party and calls him “Sir.” As a newbie, it’s understandable to see this and assume she’ll do the same for you

Don’t assume. You will make an ass out of yourself. There’s likely a pre-negotiated relationship between these two that you are unaware of. Until you negotiate with someone yourself, expect nothing.

Learn the secret of natural attraction

Once you do approach someone, you need to get their attention and pique their interest. The art of attraction could fill several posts by itself, but you need some basic knowledge. So here’s the basics of the theory that underpins all of our other information on attraction:

The best way to attract a potential partner is to be interesting.

Becoming interesting is not be as quick and easy as tactics taught by pick-up artists, but it’s more successful in the long run. And it makes you less sleazy as a human being.

Dr. Nerdlove does a great job of summing this idea up in this post. He writes primarily for men, but this concept is equally applicable for women.

I can’t emphasize this enough: the people who are the best at meeting women and getting dates are people who live interesting, engaging lives. People are naturally drawn to those who lead interesting lives because they have ambition and drive. People living active lives are fun, and they tend to want to share that fun, excitement and sense of adventure. People who lead active lives help introduce us to new and exciting experiences which is an incredibly attractive trait.

Here are some tips you can start practicing today to become more interesting:

1. Be confident

People are attracted to confident people. If you don’t think you’re great, it’s unlikely that anyone else will. If there’s something changeable about yourself that keeps you from feeling confident, it may be time to start working on that area. This can vary from getting a haircut or going to the gym to taking a class on social skills.

2. Be able to talk to anyone

You can massively improve the quality of your conversations by working on two simple skills.

First, be curious and ask lots of questions. You’ll be amazed at what people will tell you about themselves if you ask with genuine curiosity.

Second, listen to the answers people give, but don’t listen so you can cut in with a response. Cultivate the mindset that you find this person intriguing and you want to learn about them. Don’t forget to ask follow-up questions about anything you don’t understand or that sparks your interest.

3. Get involved

Find some hobbies or activities that interest you, and get involved. When people are interested in you, they imagine what life would be like with you as a partner. Does your life consist of working followed by going home and binge-watching reality TV? That isn’t appealing to most people.

Figure out what you enjoy. Meet new people. Learn a language. Compete in something. Learn an instrument or paint a picture. Find a cause you think is important and volunteer. Whichever path you choose, you want to become someone you would be interested in dating.

How to negotiate sex or play

When you find someone you’re interested in, don’t get nervous about discussing sex and play. Few kinksters will be offended by a direct approach as long as you’re respectful and willing to take no for an answer. One caution: Your chances of getting a yes increase if you’ve taken the time to establish a friendly relationship first.

Getting people to discuss play might be easy, but negotiating safely and effectively is a skill. And it’s important to get right. We have a video that walks you through the entire process. Go watch it before having “the talk” with a new partner.

Avoid winding up on a milk carton

So you’ve gone out to some kink events. You’ve met people. You’ve found someone you’re interested in, and you’re ready to meet for the first time. You’ve picked out the perfect outfit. You’ve showered, done your hair and maybe even picked up a small gift…

But what have you done to ensure your safety?

There are steps that you should take to stay safe in any dating encounter. Though kink isn’t dangerous, a kink encounter carries risks that are absent from a vanilla one. Here are some common sense steps you can take to help keep yourself safe:

Investigate before you go

It amazes me that we research our lawyers and accountants but not people we’re going to trust with our physical and emotional well-being. I research my potential partners and suggest you do to.

A good place to start is your potential partner’s social media profiles. You don’t need to stalk them, just look for warning signs. Is anything on their profile that blatantly opposes things they have told you? Take a look at who their friends are. Are these people you trust?

If your potential partner has a profile on a kinky site like Fetlife, even better. How much experience does it seem like this person has? What events have they gone to? Take a look at their pictures. What kinds of play have they done? What do their other partners have to say about past play sessions?

If you’ve been going out to kink events, you probably know people who have seen your potential partner play. Talk to these people. Will they vouch for your potential partner’s safety and experience?

The best predictor of how someone will treat you is how they’ve treated their other romantic and play partners. Don’t be afraid to ask your potential partner for references. This isn’t an unusual request in the kink community. Most kinksters will provide references for you without hesitation. If you get excuses instead of references, you should be concerned.

Schedule a safe call (for the love of God)

The first few times you go out with someone new, you should setup a safe call. A safe call is a scheduled check-in call with a friend at a specific time. You may have multiple safe calls set up during a meeting.

You should provide your safe-call friend with all available information about where you’re going and who you are meeting. Give them your date’s internet profile names, real name, and phone number. If you’re about to get into a car, send your friend a photo of the car and the tag.

Voice calls are more effective than text messages for safe calls. For maximum security, you should have a prearranged code word that you must say when your friend calls. Failure to include this word signals your friend to notify the police. If you miss a check-in and your friend can’t reach you, they should notify the police.

Part of the effectiveness of a safe call is telling your date that you have one setup. A word of warning: If you tell your date you have a safe call set up, you must have a code word setup. This protects against you being coerced into telling your friend you are okay.

Like asking for references, setting up a safe call is fairly common among kinksters. When you tell a potential partner that you have a safe call set up, they should be happy that you’re taking care of yourself. If your date responds by being argumentative or belligerent, you should worry.

Choose your meet-up location wisely

This brings us to where to meet. If this is your first time meeting someone, I suggest meeting at a public, vanilla venue. A movie is a horrible environment to get to know someone. A restaurant sounds good, but it can be awkward if you decide you don’t like someone halfway through a meal. We talked before about why play parties suck for dates.

I suggest having your first date at a coffee shop or similar venue. My wife and I meet most of our first dates at Starbucks. Coffee shops are low-pressure because they’re cheap and ideal for conversation. You don’t have to worry about your date getting wasted. And if you don’t like the way the date goes, it’s easy to leave at any time.

Meeting in a kink club is ideal the first few times you play with someone new. These venues have staff who will jump in if you signal for help. You typically signal for help by saying the safe word “red,” but check your club’s rules to make sure. In addition, the staff at kink clubs are usually experienced players. They may be able to spot a potentially dangerous situation that you or your partner may miss.

If you aren’t fortunate enough to live in an area with access to a kink club, look for home parties in your area. Home parties don’t typically provide the same level of safety that you’ll find in a kink club, but they are a far safer option than meeting someone at your home or hotel.

One last thing…

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I do. Most of us enjoy a drink or two on a date.

But remember: Intoxication and sex is a bad mix to begin with. Alcohol may cause you to be less discerning when selecting sexual partners and increase the likeliness of post-sex regret.15Palamar, Joseph J., et al. “A Qualitative Investigation Comparing Psychosocial and Physical Sexual Experiences Related to Alcohol and Marijuana Use among Adults.” Arch Sex Behav Archives of Sexual Behavior (2016): n. pag. Web.

And that’s just with vanilla sex. Kinky sex adds a whole new set of risks. You really don’t want your rope top to drop you on your head because they’re drunk. The consent and accident issues are why most kink events are dry.

So if you choose to drink, do so in moderation and use common sense.

Persevere when things seem hopeless

If you’ve been trying to find a kinky partner for a while without success, it’s easy to get discouraged. Finding love (or sex) is challenging. This is even truer when trying to find a kinky partner.

The reason it’s harder to find a kinky partner

In this article on Submissive Guide lunaKM’s proposes that dating in the kink world isn’t harder than dating in the vanilla world. It seems harder because we’re more up front about what we’re looking for. Because of this we tend to disqualify people faster than we typically would.

I think that as kinksters, we do tend to be up front and disqualify potential partners quickly. However, I also think that it is more difficult to find a kinky partner than a vanilla one. You start with a smaller pool of potential partners. Within that group, you may have several criteria regarding play, relationship style, and power exchange with which you need a potential partner to be compatible.

Finding a kinky partner may be more difficult, but there are more than enough kinky people these days to find one (or more) for you. You have to put in the time and effort to find them. This means you have to keep getting out and meeting people.

You also must remember that it takes time to get to know people. Lust may happen at first sight, but relationships take time.

Why desperation guarantees failure

Have you ever lain in bed awake knowing you have to get up in a few hours? After a while, you get nervous about not being able to sleep, and not being able to sleep makes you even more nervous. And the cycle continues.

If you look for a partner unsuccessfully, you may find yourself starting to get desperate. Desperation makes it likely that you’ll rush into a relationship, and it makes you apt to overlook red flags.

Most importantly, desperation is a turn-off to potential partners, or at least to the kind of partners you want, which in turn will make you more desperate. It’s the same type of vicious cycle as not being able to go to sleep, only this cycle doesn’t end in one night.

If you find yourself in this situation, you may need to break the cycle. Let’s go back to the sleep analogy. If you’re lying in bed unable to sleep, your best course of action is to get out of bed.16“Can’t Sleep? When to Get Out of Bed.” WebMD. WebMD, 27 Aug. 2012. Web. 06 Sept. 2016. It’s counter-intuitive. You really want to sleep, but getting out of bed is likely to help you sleep in the long run.

If you find yourself getting desperate when searching for a kinky partner, it may be time to take a break.

Break the cycle to win in the end

Take a break for as long or as short of a time as you need. If you’ve identified some things that hold you back, now is a great time to work on them. Read some blogs. Take a class. Practice your conversation skills without the pressure of a goal. There’s no reason you can’t keep going out to kink events and expand your circle of friends. Those connections will be helpful when you’re back in the dating market.

So hang out with your friends. Spend some time on your hobbies. Learn something new. There are other things in life besides dating, so take this time to enjoy them. You don’t have to come back to dating until you’re ready.

Introducing kink into an existing relationship

It’s entirely possible that the partner you’re seeking can be found closer to home. I said earlier that it’s best to look for a partner who identifies as kinky, but many people are partnered when they develop their interest in kink. If you’re in this situation, trying to introduce your partner to kink might be your best option.

Figure out if your partner is kinky

There are several tactics you can use to probe if your partner might be open to kink:

  1. If you and your partner watch porn together, this can provide a great opportunity to see how interested they may be in a particular topic. Find some porn that includes an activity that interests you, and see how your partner reacts.
  2. “Accidently” leave a kinky book lying out or a kinky website up on the computer. This may lead to discussion that can reveal your partner’s level of interest.
  3. Try throwing in some kinky dirty talk during sex. If you’re partner engages you, great! If not, they probably won’t be concerned with something said in the heat of sex.
  4. Finally, I love MojoUpgrade. It’s an online quiz and a great way to find out any kinky fantasies your partner harbors. You and your partner individually select your interest level in various kinky activities and see each other’s answers afterwards. There’s even a setting to show your partner only the activities you’re both interested in. Make sure to check the “advanced” button to see the really kinky shit.

Introduce kink slowly

If you decide to try introducing kink into your relationship, it’s important to start slowly. You can do this by adding some socially acceptable kinky activities into your sex life. If you identify as a bottom, you can always request or physically encourage your partner to do these activities to you. Here are a few examples:

  • Pinning your partner’s hands to the bed (couch, hay bale, whatever).
  • Biting.
  • Scratching.
  • Spanking, especially during rear-entry sex.
  • Kinky dirty talk.

If your partner seems interested, that’s great! You can move into having an open conversation about your wants and needs. Figure out what you’re both looking for and then negotiate a scene.

Conclusion

So, there you have it: over 5000 words on finding a kinky partner.

And it sounds so fucking simple on paper:

  1. Figure out who you are and what you want.
  2. Know where to look for kinky partners.
  3. Get out and meet people.
  4. Approach potential partners without being a douchebag.

But of course finding a partner is never easy. Not in the vanilla world, and certainly not in the kink world. It takes effort. It takes patience. It takes persevering in spite of disappointments.

Most of all it takes putting yourself out there and actually meeting people. If you’ve spent the time to read this article, you’re well equipped to begin your search. But you’ll never find the person you’re looking for sitting behind a computer and reading how-to articles.

So get off your ass and go meet some people.

Love this article? Hate it? Have any questions, or think there’s something we missed? Let us know in the comments below.

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rigel

Co-founder at Touch of Flavor
Co-founder, educator and website / app developer for TTB. I like pondering and writing about kink, polyamory, and relationships in my (limited) spare time.

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