how our polyamorous clients build thriving relationships

Why You Can’t Find a Unicorn

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Are you polyamorous and having trouble finding your “unicorn?” Here’s a secret:

There are plenty of people out there who would love to be in a group relationship. Who like them. Prefer them even.

The reason you’re having trouble finding a partner isn’t that they don’t exist. It’s because what you’re offering isn’t attractive.

In this episode we dig into what couples do wrong when they’re looking for an incoming partner, and how you can attract the amazing humans you are looking for.

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Cassie 0:20
Here at Touch of flavor, we teach non-monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:26
This podcast is about answering one question-- how do you create loving, passionate, secure relationships outside the box? Even if nothing has ever worked before? If you want to know the answer, you're in the right place.

Cassie 0:38
All of this information is 100% free. So please subscribe to and review our podcast.

Cassie 0:49
Hey there. I'm Cassie.

Amanda 0:52
And I'm Amanda.

Cassie 0:53
So we wanted to talk about something because it annoys us a little bit that we see stuff in like Facebook groups and things like that. And everyone's always like, "unicorns don't exist." And, you know, there's all these issues around unicorn hunting and things like that. Not saying that there isn't problems there. But this idea that there is no ability to actually have those kinds of relationships form and things like that. So, we have decided to bring you something and it is amazing. It is the mystical-- the magical-- Unicorn!

Amanda 1:35
It's me. Yeah, that's me.

Cassie 1:39
So Amanda is a unicorn. Well, we'll get to that in a second. But Amanda is a--

Amanda 1:48
I'm a domesticated unicorn. Now. Right now, in the moment.

Cassie 1:54
You're not frolicking in the forest?

Amanda 1:56
But I'm here and I exist. So.

Cassie 2:00
So actually, at one point, I was actually a unicorn, too. I was dating a couple as my first poly experience. I was actually dating a couple and it went really, really well. We just didn't have the same sort of life goals. They were planning on having kids and moving west. And I was like 18, and I wanted to have fun and party and go to college. And like the whole like thing was just not in line. We're actually still in touch on Facebook and get along and stuff like that. It just didn't work out. But my first poly experience was great. And it was a unicorn experience.

Amanda 2:41
Mine wasn't. Mine wasn't that great. My first one. I mean, it started out really good. You know, it usually does. But there were a lot of things that-- I found out they weren't very experienced. They weren't as experienced as they said they were. So it made sense that I was their first unicorn and their last.

Cassie 3:06
Yeah, and that's actually the experience that a lot of unicorns have is that they end up dating people who have some qualities and some things not put in place. So we're actually doing like a, "if you want to find a unicorn, here's how to do it." We're trying to help you out. And also help you recognize whether or not this is actually something you should be doing. Because it's not for everybody. And if you don't have a couple of these things right, you probably shouldn't be looking for a unicorn to begin with. Now that we've gotten through that little thing, this is the last time that we're gonna say unicorn, because we're people. We're not some animal to be hunted or some kind of mystical thing. We're people that date. We're poly. We're just like everybody else. We're just interested in dating as a person who was interested in two people instead of one. And so getting into that, I like using 'incoming partner.' Soe people call, you know, this person a third, I don't really like that because it's like, well, we're number one and number two, and you're number three, kind of like a third wheel thing. And also just the whole unicorn thing has a very negative connotation to it. So let's stick to incoming partner.

Amanda 4:27
Incoming partner.

Cassie 4:29
I know it's hard for you. I won't correct you. But so there's there's a couple of things that if you're looking for a unicorn and you can't find one, you're doing it wrong, because first of all, I was a unicorn, she's a unicorn. We exist. Secondly, since being with my husband, I've dated various partners with him. And we never had a problem dating as a couple and getting to know people and things like that. This isn't something that you can't do, it's that there's certain ways to do it that is more ethical, and is going to attract the kind of people that you actually, you know, want to date instead of attracting people who may not be self aware or may not be really what you're looking for. Or maybe this isn't really what you're cut out for either. So we're gonna give you those things. So what's number one?

Amanda 5:24
Number one is that you are setting unrealistic expectations, which happens a lot. You're setting expectations for your future partner that you wouldn't set for yourself is a big one.

Cassie 5:40
Yeah, so like a good rule of thumb in like, anything poly is like, 'if I wouldn't agree to this, why would somebody else right?" Like, and some of these things look like something like this, like, cool. "You can date me and my spouse, but you can't hold our hands in public?" Is that okay with you? Does that sound nice? No, of course, it doesn't. Like, okay, aside for that, you know, like "we're gonna spend every day together, you're only allowed over on Sunday. And the rest of the week, you can't see other people."

Amanda 6:13
And you have to be out by 10 o'clock.

Cassie 6:15
Yeah "The kids can't see you here. " So thinking about that, like, what are the expectations that you're putting on this person? Right? Like, what are the things that you're putting into play, and going, this is what we're looking for, and what we want you to do. And the first step in being ethical is also just kind of looking at yourself and being like, is this something that I would agree to? If it's not, then you're probably setting yourself up for failure, and you're not going to attract good partners.

Amanda 6:47
Right, also trying to fit people into a box? While we're still on that?

Cassie 6:53
Yeah. So what this looks like is, you know, you are like, cool, you're gonna have to love me and my partner exactly the same. So you have to love us the same, you are only going to have sex with both of us at the same time. Or, you know, you're going to be the partner that does this, this and this with me, and X, Y, and Z with him. And this is your role. You are now filling up a box. This this thing that we want you to do. Yeah. And that's just not how people function, right? Like, we are all individuals, we have our own needs and desires, our own, you know, thoughts for the future. And you need to treat people that way. If you're just going out and looking for somebody to fill a gap for you, and you're not really offering anything, they're not going to be attracted. And you're going to scare them off. So look at people like people.

Amanda 7:49
And that kind of brings us to number two, which is the bait and switch, which a lot of people do is you say you are doing one thing, but really you're doing another. Like this even-- we had somebody that we talked to that that did this, and they're like, 'Well, we thought it would be easier.'" So, what did they say?

Cassie 8:08
So basically, the female partner got online, she set up a profile said, Hey, I'm looking for women to date. I'm polyamorous, I am married, but I'm looking for women, me, I just mean me. And really what she was doing is going out meeting women who were going on a date, thinking that they were going out on a date with a woman only. And that that was what the relationship interaction was gonna look like.

Amanda 8:37
And then and then she brought them home and was like, "This is my husband." Yeah. "He's also really interested."

Cassie 8:44
Yeah. "By the way, if we want to continue dating, you got to be his girlfriend, too." Or "oh, well, for this to go any further, you now have to commit to both of us."

Amanda 8:55
So "great date, loved hanging out. But if you want to keep going on, you know, come back to my place with me and my husband" doesn't go well. No, it does not go well. It's very frustrating for the incoming partner, also to think "Oh, my God, what a wonderful time" and then get home and you're like "Did you seriously just do this to me?"

Cassie 9:13
And the thing is, is that even if it was somebody who would be open to this, you have now started your relationship with that person on false pretenses. You've literally just started things off with a lie. And regardless of if that person was going to be open to this, now they're going to be turned away because you're a liar and you're a phony. So don't do that. Um, the other kind of bait and switch thing that happens a lot is this. And this might be you and that's fine-- is "I'm not actually looking for a partner. We're looking for a threesome." And the thing is, I want to tell you, threesomes are fantastic. I highly recommend them. They're awesome. Do them some time. That being said, there are folks who are looking for a threesome and then there's folks that are looking for a relationship. Do not pretend to be engaging with somebody for a relationship, when really what you're looking for is somebody to do some activities with and skirts the side. Be honest about it. There are plenty of people who want to do a one night fling threesome kind of thing.

Amanda 10:19
We know plenty.

Cassie 10:21
And as I said, I highly recommend it. Tons of fun. That being said, don't go and tell somebody that you're dating them and you're considering them as a partner, and have them do that work-- like dating is work-- to then lead them on, get your one night of fun and dump them.

Amanda 10:38
Which is kind of like when you really think about it, you know, back in high school? When like, when your mom was like, you know "Boys only want one thing" and you were like, nah. And then it turned out this guy that's been trying to hang out with you really just wanted sex. It's the same thing. It's the same thing as adults.

Cassie 10:54
Like, you know, I'm taking you out on date. It's a good night. Cool. Let's do our thing. And then I don't call you the next day.

Amanda 10:59
I'm not gonna talk to you.

Cassie 11:00
Yeah, no, don't do that. It's not a cool thing. If you want to just mess around with people, you can do that. Just be honest about it. There's plenty of people up for it. Alright.

Amanda 11:08
Alright, next one. Moving on. Number three, you are trying to rush things. Because you're so excited and focused on things. You rush things that should be developing organically on their own.

Cassie 11:21
Yeah, so what this looks like is we are looking for a partner. And now we're doing things like messaging this person and being like, so are you going to move across the country and move in with us after we've talked to you on Facebook for a week? No, no, like, that is bonkers. Like anybody who would move in with you after FaceTiming you three times?

Amanda 11:46
We shouldn't do it anyway. Yeah.

Cassie 11:49
Like, no, that is like every bad horror movie ever. So having these ideas that your relationship are going to look like-- I understand that you and your husband or you and your wife have been together for maybe a couple years. Maybe it's been 10 years, maybe it's been 20 years, who knows? You guys might have a whole couple of decades there. That partner coming in, is a new partner. This is a brand new relationship. It is a new relationship that you are forming. Someone isn't joining your relationship. You are starting a brand new one. So you can't have this idea of escalating this relationship at a high speed. You got to treat it just like you would anybody else. And enjoy it. Dating is fun. Like date. Get to know the person. Don't start being like, "Guess what? We're gonna have kids and you're gonna move in with me." And I know that it sounds silly, because you're probably sitting there going, what are you talking about people to them, like peacefully, constantly do this. They're like, 'I'm looking for, you know, a girl to join me and my husband and we want to have four kids and we want to buy a house." No, like, just get to know somebody, talk to them. And let things grow organically.

Amanda 13:06
Next one? You don't know the answers to the questions? Or your answers suck? Elaboration?

Cassie 13:12
Yes. So, um, what we mean by you don't know the answers to the questions is when, you know, you're looking for an incoming partner, this person is also looking for people too, meaning they want to know that you have the answers to some of these questions. Things like, what is our relationship going to look like in the future? Like, if we actually do this, is there going to be certain limitations? Is there going to be certain things? Or are we going to be a family? You know, can this be something in the future? Have you and your spouse had this conversation? Are you guys actually okay with certain things? Because if your answers are "I don't know, I don't know. I don't know," that's gonna put a lot of doubt there. You know, if you have someone coming to you who's like, "Okay, you kind of seem cute, you seem interested,' but you have no answers, that's gonna lead them to believe that you are, one inexperienced, but two, that you really haven't thought this through. And when you don't think things through, that's when all hell breaks loose, right? Because that's where arguments come from, because there was miscommunications and misunderstandings. So if you don't have those answers, maybe you and your spouse need to talk about it. Because as someone who's coming in, I want to know, and if you don't know, there's no way for me to, or you have bad answers. So this is the kind of second part of it, which means you've done all this thinking and you've put together your little plot of how your incoming partner is going to join your marriage. And your answers suck. Like, yeah, if we're together for five years, you're still going to be the dirty little secret that no one knows about. Guess what? Nobody wants to be the dirty secret forever. Or, you know, yeah, you are our partner, but you're not allowed to tell anybody that we're your partner, things like that. So if you have those answers that suck, this is where I was talking about that whole thing about figuring out if this is really something for you. Again, go back to point one, if this is something that you wouldn't do, likely is somebody else isn't. So if you don't have those answers, and they're not the right answers, because a few of them are something that has the right answer, then you probably shouldn't be doing them.

Amanda 15:34
Next one is red flags. Everybody talks about red flags. Now, all the couples are like, "Oh, my gosh, this is red flag. This is Red Flag. Don't date her. This is a red flag." You're not the only ones looking for red flags. Incoming partners are looking for red flags, either the same amount as you or way more than you are.

Cassie 15:55
Yeah. So you want to talk about a few red flags, because that was actually one of yours.

Amanda 16:02
Big red flags. While we were just kind of talking about communication. If you and your husband or you and your wife are not on the same page, whenever I am talking to you-- if I ask you a serious question, and one person says, "Yeah, that's fine." The other person is like, "no, that's not fine." You obviously are not communicating. That's a red flag for me.

Cassie 16:23
Yeah. And so a couple other ones. Another red flag is you're looking desperate. Like if you're in every poly group going, "I'm looking for unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn unicorn." Right?

Amanda 16:36
"Where's that unicorn?" Possessing quotations.

Cassie 16:37
That's in quotations. Yeah, not not what we're doing. But you know, if you're on every group doing that, and I see this, and I'm in other groups, and I'm seeing this-- you're not looking for a partner. You're looking for a unicorn. You're not actually judging, you know, you're not actually judging your prospects. You're not actually really looking and seeing if this is a connection. You're just trying to grab whatever unicorn you can. And that is a huge red flag. That means that you're not really paying attention to the people that you are dating. You're just trying to grab up on a unicorn. So that's a red flag. Another red flag is drama. So if you have drama, first of all, it's never a good thing to post up on Facebook. But if you know you don't have drama, don't present yourself as having drama. But if you do have drama, maybe you need to work on those things first, because if I'm seeing this, if I'm seeing that, you know, I'm seeing you on Facebook, and you've got all this stuff about, you know, thinking about breaking up or how much you this or that, I'm going to see that. So this comes to like your representation of yourself and your relationship. So pay attention to that because other people are. Now that brings us to the last one. So if those things aren't true, maybe pay attention to what you're posting. If it is true, you need to have a good relationship. And that's our last point. Because as someone coming into a relationship with someone else, I want to make sure that relationship is healthy. This is a brand new relationship. But if that dyad is screwed up, it's gonna mess up the other dyads in there too. So you have to have a good foundation. And this means things like honesty, open communication, good negotiation skills. Because if you guys don't have that, I'm not going to want to be a part of that. No one wants to be the person who's stuck in the middle or being a therapist, or dealing with triangulation or any of those things. So if you don't have a good relationship, this isn't the time to be looking for a unicorn. This is a time to be working on your relationship. So anything else I'm going to add to that?

Amanda 16:37
That's it.

Cassie 16:39
All right. So those were our like, six points on "Those are the things that are causing you not to find a unicorn." And um, aside from that we just wanted you guys know, we do exist. We're out there. It's annoying to always see posts that are like "you don't exist." We do exist, but chances are you might be doing things wrong. Alright.

Josh 19:26
Thanks for tuning into today's show. We release new episodes every week. So make sure to subscribe

Cassie 19:33
if you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us. Here's what I want you to do next. Head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour and we'll get you crystal clear on three things: What's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like and a step by step plan to close the gap and save your family even if nothing has worked before.

Josh 20:00
We talk with hundreds of non monogamous folks like you every year. And here's the truth, building loving, thriving relationships-- that doesn't happen on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you're building relationships outside the box that's impossible to find, and we get it. But that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families, get the passion back and become best friends again.

Cassie 20:24
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk. I'm Cassie.

Josh 20:32
And I'm Josh. Let's talk soon