Online dating can be a minefield for anyone. When you’re kinky and you identify yourself as such, you get a wide variety of messages: Many of them are hilarious, irritating, flattering, confusing and just plain gross. After a period of time using both a popular dating site and a hookup app, I began noticing that most of the men on these sites fall into one of five categories. I also noted that despite using over 500 words to describe myself, most potential matches honed in on only one, buried in a long list of descriptors: kinkster. I have written up these Online Dating Archetypes and their typical messages here for your entertainment. Enjoy!
Mr. Instant Gratification
This guy wants to have sex, and he wants it now! Patience, safety, and getting to know you are completely irrelevant to him. He may not even message you a greeting or make small talk before cutting right to the chase and asking if you’re DTF (down to fuck). If sex is off the table, he will start negotiating for whatever he can get.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“Nice pics. DTF?”
Um, hello…. No. Not at all.
“Hi. How are you? What’s your address? I wanna come over and [insert random sex act here].”
DUDE. I do not know you, and I am in no way going to give my personal information to a stranger or invite you to my home. I’m not gonna end up the subject of a bad Lifetime movie when I get chopped up into pieces and thrown in a river.
“If you’re so kinky you’ll let me [insert random sex act here].”
Nope. Not taking the bait. I will not partake in a game of sexual chicken. Nice try, buddy.
The Flip Flopper
This guy showers you with over the top compliments. Despite having never met you, he is convinced you are his dream girl, and that the sun, moon, and stars literally shine out of your ass. Heaven forbid, you reject his advances or don’t respond to him in what he considers a timely fashion. Then things get messy, mean, and funny as hell.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“Damn, girl, you are
Thank you, but I’m not interested.
“Whatever, you aren’t as hot as you think you are.”
But I have delicious Starbucks skin! What happened to my dreamy eyes?
“You’re kinky? Marry me!! Just kidding, but in all seriousness, I’m taking you out for drinks.”
You are? I’m pretty sure you ask someone out, not tell them.
“Fine, CAN I take you to the bar?”
No thanks.
“You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”
I hate to see how you react when someone is actually rude to you.
“You’re the hottest girl on this site. Wanna hook up?”
Not with you, not right now.
“Well fuck you then.”
I just said that’s exactly what I won’t be doing.
The Anal Fixator
This guy has one thing on his mind: ass. Specifically, penetrating an ass. I’m not sure what has occurred in the last two or three years, but I can count on one hand the number of men, both IRL and in online dating, who haven’t asked me for anal sex. Perhaps the prevalence of anal in pornography is to blame; perhaps men are simply getting bolder about asking for it. All I know is a huge number of online matches see “kinky” and assume that means my rectum is open for business.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“Kinky, huh? Bet you love getting that ass pounded!”
Do you?
“HELL NO, I’m straight.”
Well, I’m not straight, but I don’t like it either.
“You do anal right?”
There is literally nothing on my profile that would suggest that.
“LEMME SEE THAT A$$!”
$EEK P$YCHIATRIC HELP.
The Rebounder
This guy just got out of a long and/or serious relationship and thinks you’re just what he needs. There is lots of talk about needing to blow off steam, get his ex off his mind or out of his system, and wanting company. Breaking up is painful, and I feel for these dudes, but I also know that I am the farthest thing from what they need. They need friends, and they need time.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“My girlfriend just broke up with me. Come make me feel better.”
Cry it out with some Ben & Jerry’s, bro. Always works for me!
“My ex was never into kinky stuff. Bet you can make me forget her name.”
I probably could. I would also wreck you.
The Wannabe Pupil
This archetype claims to be interested in kink and eager to learn, which I believe is wonderful. After all, we were all just curious before we got involved in the lifestyle. However, asking for specifics leads to vague and roundabout responses, and it quickly becomes clear that he doesn’t want to learn: he wants to get laid. There’s nothing wrong with looking for sex with no strings attached; just don’t appeal to my educator side when you aren’t actually interested in learning anything about BDSM.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“teach me how to be kinky”
What would you like to learn?
“everything!”
That would take a lifetime.
“oh ok then wanna just hook up?”
[at this point I just roll my eyes and hit delete]
“I wanna learn how to do BDSM on you”
I’d be more than happy to discuss BDSM with you and direct you to some resources.
“Naaah I wanna do YOU”
Well, we can’t always get what we want.
The White Knight
This archetype is perhaps the most well-meaning, but to me, he is the most frustrating to deal with. He thinks being kinky or promiscuous is a sign of emotional scarring or mental illness. He wants to “save” you, turn you into what he views as wife material, or introduce you to religion.
Actual messages I’ve received:
“Have you ever thought about, you know, not doing that stuff?”
Have you ever thought, you know, live and let live?
“You’re really pretty. If you weren’t so freaky you’d get married and make some man very happy.”
Who says I want to get married??
“Of course you do, you’re a girl.”
Actually, I’m a woman and a freaky one at that. Have a nice day.
“Have you ever known Christ’s Love? Perhaps he could help you turn your back on sin.”
I know him, he’s cool with what I do. Also, shouldn’t you be on ChristianMingle instead of here?
In conclusion
Good luck navigating the murky waters of the Internet. Feel free to share your online dating stories, both good and bad, in the comments.