The Biggest Problem with Polyamory

Cassie 0:00
Here at Touch of Flavor, we teach non-monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:10
This podcast is about answering one question: how do you create loving, passionate, secure relationships outside the box? Even if nothing has ever worked before? If you want to know the answer, you're in the right place.

Cassie 0:39
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Josh 0:48
What is the single biggest problem in polyamory? I want to tell you, there's a lot of different answers that people give for this. And like I said, I'd love to hear yours. But people will say it's time management, or it's a jealousy, or it's communication. That's the hardest thing. And I'd love to see all of your opinions. But I just-- I want to tell you that everybody gets this wrong. Because at the end of the day, what we've realized over 14 years of doing this and helping folks who are in non-monogamy, who are struggling to come out the other side with relationships intact, is that the real challenges isn't any of those things. It's not communication. It's not time. It's not jealousy. It's not any of those answers people will usually give you.

Josh 1:42
The biggest challenge in polyamory is actually contrast. Like Josh, what does that mean? Contrast? What does that mean? What I mean, by contrast, is that the real challenge in polyamory underneath everything else, all those other things that people throw out there is that when you're moving into polyamory, non-monogamy, it doesn't matter the style-- but when you're moving into that space, what it does is it shines a light on all the areas that your relationship is already weak. It shines a light. I'll say that one more time, because I know, this is probably not something you've heard before. The single biggest problem with polyamory is that it shines a light on all of the areas that your relationship is already weak. It doesn't make it weak. It highlights the things that are already weak. So what do I mean by that?

Josh 2:51
Well, if I have my wife, Cassie, and I've been with her for 10 years, 15 years, and our communication sucks-- Like, we talk in circles. Or we argue. We fight. We bite each other's heads off when things are rough. And now we're going into non-monogamy. And now we have all these really tough conversations that we have to have and we have to communicate about. Well, guess what? Now there's gonna be more arguing, and more fighting, and more biting each other's heads off, because we can't talk when things are smooth and normal and we're dealing with problems we know how to deal with. So we certainly can't do it when things are coming to a head. Or if you know, Cassie and I-- just our intimacy has sucked for a long time. And we're just-- maybe we've only had sex like twice in the last six months. And it was really obviously not into it. It was obviously just like it was "just get it done." There was no love. There was no connection. It was like four minutes, and it sucked and she wasn't really engaged. And that's been a big point of conflict for me. And now, I'm going ahead and we're going to the non-monogamy. I mean, I've got to watch her fawn all over this person and come back and tell me how she spent like three hours having this amazing lovemaking session with them. That's going to be pretty tough.

Josh 4:26
And if I've already been feeling insecure... our relationships been rocky. We've been wondering, "is this really going to work? Should we really be together?" And now we're again-- we're moving into non-monogamy and we know we don't know how to do it and we're really struggling and it's really hard and we're at each other's throats. And meanwhile these other relationships are smooth sailing. Then, yeah, I'm gonna feel even more insecure. And this is really where the fear and the comparison and all of that comes in with a really good reason. Because the truth of the matter is, when you're here, when you're moving to non-monogamy and you're looking at this challenge-- this challenge of contrast, there is a dark side to this challenge of contrast. And there is an amazing side. So the dark side of it is that this can cause real challenges in your relationship. Just a couple of quick examples to point that out.

Josh 5:40
Again, if we have really a lot of trouble communicating, and now we're arguing, we're fighting, we're at each other's throats. And we're having these conversations where we're being nasty to each other, and then we're not talking for the next four days. That's going to cause real challenges. So you have those kinds of problems. But the bigger-- I think the thing that a lot of people don't think about is that when people see that contrast, it really makes them see and realize what they've been settling for in their relationships. It's like, "Holy shit, what have I been spending the last five years of my life doing? Why have I been spending the last five years of my life arguing and fighting? And in a sexless relationship and unhappy when this is what's possible? Why have I been doing that?" And this is where the horror stories about non-monogamy come in. Because the truth of the matter is everybody who's coming to non-monogamy is like, "Oh, what if this person steals my partner away?" Well, nobody can steal your partner away. But on the other hand, if your relationship's really rough, and it's been rough for a while, or maybe you don't even feel like it's been rough, but it just has been "meh." You've just been going through disconnected and feeling like roommates and pretty unhappy. And now your partner has this other amazing person who's lighting up their life and giving them that passion, and that intimacy, and that connection. Nobody can steal your partner from you. But your partner certainly can decide that maybe if that's maybe if that's what's available then maybe they don't want to do this anymore.

Josh 7:26
So that's really the dark side is that that contrast, it can really be devastating to a relationship. And this is the biggest reason why so many non-monogamous relationships fail. But there is a light side to this contrast. And the light side is that when you have that contrast, when you're able to see those places, those areas that your relationship is weak, you have an amazing opportunity. You have an opportunity to make things better. And the truth of the matter is, if you look around you, you look at the people in your life who are monogamous-- your friends, your family, your acquantances, the people that you know-- it's pretty easy to look around you and understand that there are a lot of people who are monogamous, who are in their relationships, who are who are just unhappy, and they're miserable. And they're just kind of existing through the relationships and existing through life. And they're just really settling for a lot less than they deserve or they want or would make them happy. A lot of people just really get in this place in their relationships, where they just get used to it. And they build up good coping mechanisms, and they settle, and they just go through 5, 10, 20, 30 years that way.

Josh 9:06
If you're non-monogamous, you don't have that option. The only way to really succeed in non-monogamy and having these other relationships, and to do that, while also keeping your family together, is to actually build a happy, healthy and thriving relationship with whoever it is you already have. Because again, if it's just unhappy, that contrast is going to destroy it. So I don't really want you to see this as a curse. It's really easy to only see the dark side, and to see the problems that that contrast causes and to see it as a curse. But I want you to see it as a blessing. I want you to take full advantage of it. Because again, this is an amazing opportunity. So the way that you take advantage of that is, notice those problems. Notice those places that your relationship, your existing relationships are weak. When those feelings come up, and you're, you're looking and you're like, "Man, is this really what I've been settling for? Is this really how things have been? Is this really how we communicate? Is this really how we love? Is this really the strength of our relationship?" Don't ignore those problems and wait for them-- bury your head in the sand and wait for things to explode. Don't give up on your family for something easier. A lot of people do that. Notice where your relationship is weak. And then use that as an opportunity to actually fix those problems. Fix the communication. Get the love and passion back. Build that security. Get to a place where you and your partner-- you're truly happy and healthy in this relationship, and build something truly amazing. That is what's available to you.

Josh 11:03
Okay, if you need help doing that, we're happy to help. Go to atouchofflavor.com/talk. This is what we help people do. It'll take you to an application: you can fill it out, you can book a call with Cassie or I or somebody on our team. We'll kind of walk through like, what are those places your relationship is weak? What are the challenges you're facing? Come up with a step-by-step plan to solve those problems, to use it as an opportunity, and to get to an amazing place. But like I said, atouchofflavor.com/talk. It will be the best hour that you have spent on your relationships. But folks, again, just summing this up. The biggest problem in polyamory isn't any of those things that you think. It is just simply the contrast, and the light that it shines on the areas that your relationship is already weak. And if you're seeing that, like I said, don't wallow in it. Don't view it as a curse. Don't let it destroy your relationship. Don't ignore it or bury your head in the sand. Take full advantage of that and use the opportunity that you have to build something beautiful, because a lot of people don't get that. All right-- till next time.

Josh 12:22
Thanks for tuning into today's show. We release new episodes every week. So make sure to subscribe.

Cassie 12:28
Ff you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us, here's what I want you to do next: head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour. And we'll get you crystal clear on three things: what's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like and a step-by-step plan to close the gap and save your family even if nothing has worked before.

Josh 12:55
We talk with hundreds of non-monogamous folks like you every year. And here's the truth: building loving, thriving relationships-- that doesn't happen on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you are building relationships outside the box, that's impossible to find and we get it. But that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families, get the passion back and become best friends again.

Cassie 13:19
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same, head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk. I'm Cassie.

Josh 13:27
And I'm Josh. Let's talk soon.