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Masturbation: When is a good thing too much?

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 Here at Touch Of Flavor, we receive many questions dealing with all aspects of relationships. Recently we have had many of our readers write in asking questions about masturbation and porn use. We asked sex therapist Tamara Pincus to offer knowledge to help answer these questions. Tamara is a licensed clinical social worker with 10 years of experience in mental health treatment.


“I masturbate every day while watching porn. Sometimes a few time per day. I have noticed that I am now unable to masturbate without it. I often find myself fantasizing about the porn I have watched or thinking about when I can get back to watching it. It has become a distraction from my family and work. What should I do?”-James 

James,

There is nothing wrong with masturbating regularly using porn. A factor that may be playing out here is shame about using porn. When you are trying not to use porn that makes it more attractive and distracting. For instance, when you are trying not to think of pink elephants all you can think of is pink elephants. When you are at work or around family and trying not to think about porn or wanting to watch porn then you will be thinking about porn to the point of distraction.

I hear you saying that you are unable to masturbate without porn. I think what you mean is that you are having trouble having an orgasm without porn. I think there is a place for experimenting with masturbation without porn, for instance fantasizing, even fantasizing about porn you have seen without having the porn on. Then you can move on to things like masturbating with a partner in the room, masturbating thinking about things you haven’t seen in porn (if there are such things), etc. In order to be able to expand your sexual repertoire, you need to be able to explore things sexually that may not make you orgasm right away or even ever and devote time and effort to that. You can always orgasm later.

I think the goal would be to work towards acceptance of your porn use and acceptance of your thoughts around it. Also, finding a way to experiment sexually with curiosity without such an intense focus on getting to orgasm.

Also, I think it might make sense to look at how you are using masturbation. Is it always about being turned on? Is it about stress relief or managing other emotions? Not that any reason isn’t ok, I just think it would be helpful to understand more. I am certain there are also other things going on here so as I said seeing a sex therapist would be a good idea.


“My husband and I have recently had a few situations where it has come to my attention that he may be addicted to masturbating. There are some times where he would turn me down for sex sometimes, or where because he masturbates in the morning and it is just not as good since he isn’t as hard or he just doesn’t seem as interested in sex as much because he has already “taken care of business” so to speak. I have told him how I feel about, and he has said he would work on it, but it still is at the same frequency as it always is. I am ok with him watching porn and taking care of himself, but when it affects our sex life that is where I get upset about it. is this kind of thing typical/normal in long term monogamous relationships? How do we talk about this? Any suggestions are appreciated!”-Martha

Martha,

There is nothing wrong with the porn use and masturbation in itself. I think if you try to stop his masturbation it will cause a power struggle because you will be trying to control his sexuality. The problem here is the sexual issues that you are having in your relationship. If that becomes an issue you guys work on together, his porn use may change due to his desire to do something different, or not, but at least your sex life will get better.

Often sex in a long term relationship can start to feel like work and like an obligation. If sex is a chore he has to do to make you happy it’s not going to be a lot of fun. That may be why he is turning down opportunities for sex. Again I suspect a power struggle over sexuality may be making sex less fun for both of you.

As far as what I would suggest, first I would work on practicing acceptance about the situation as it is and working to make peace with the porn use, your unmet sexual desires, etc. Then I would explore the power struggle and try to figure out a way to avoid engaging each other that way. I would then start really engaging your curiosity about what you guys are into sexually and trying new things. I would get a copy of a yes no maybe list and see what things you guys might both want to try but have not yet. I think sex therapy would be really helpful in understanding what is going on in your relationship and working to reconnect with each other sexually. Again I feel like there is a lot I’m not seeing that would be helpful to know in making your situation better.


“My boyfriend masturbates a lot. Or at least I think it is too much. What is a healthy amount of masturbation? How do I know if it is something to confront him about or if it is just my own worries? Thank you for your help.”- Terry

Terry,

A healthy amount of masturbation is as much as you want. I would say too much is when you start to physically injure yourself or it gets in the way of your other obligations like work or school. If his masturbation is getting in the way of your relationship I would talk with him about what you need out of the relationship that you are not getting instead of focusing on the idea that the masturbation is the problem. If you are accepting about the masturbation it may help him cope with any shame about his sexuality, which may be contributing to the frequency of his masturbation. If this is something he sees as a problem a sex therapist might be a good choice.


To further address these type of issues Tamara advises seeing a sex therapist, and not a sex addiction specialist. Search for an AASECT member or certified therapist as some of the sex addiction specialists are rather sex-negative.

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