The Kinksters Guide to Negotiating a BDSM Scene

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Consent is important

Super fucking important.

In fact, it’s the one thing that differentiates BDSM from abuse.

The concept of consent isn’t hard. When my son was nine he saw my wife and I prepping for a class on consent (this one in fact). He asked: “You actually have to teach people this? It’s not hard. Don’t do things to people unless they say it’s OK. Once they say it’s OK you can do it until they tell you it’s not OK anymore.”

So simple a child can get it. But as with anything the devil is in the details.

And when it comes to consent those details are in how we negotiate. Consent is a concept. But negotiation is how we put that concept into action.

Good negotiation skills are important enough in the vanilla world. But they are critical when planning a BDSM scene. There are a huge number of potential BDSM activities to consider during a negotiation. Many of these activities are riskier, both physically and psychologically, than vanilla sex. And we don’t always play with people we know well.

Kink has become mainstream in the last few years. An influx of new people has poured into the scene. And as the number of people has increased, the number of consent issues has risen.

There are true predators out there. But I believe that the biggest reason for the increase in consent issues is poor negotiation. There are numerous new people in the scene who have never been taught how to negotiate. As I said before, negotiation is how we put consent into practice. When negotiation fails, consent problems are practically guaranteed.

About this class

We created a class to teach good negotiation skills two years ago. We believe these skills are critical. So critical that we taught the class – for free – dozens of times in Maryland and DC. Many of our attendees told us that it was a class every kinky person should take.

We have re-vamped a video we shot of the class. Today, we’re putting this class out for free online. Watch it. Use it. Share it.

The other stuff you need

We’ve created a free worksheet with the questions you need to be answered in every scene negotiation. Fill it out. Have your partners fill it out. And take it with you when you go to play.

We’ve also re-vamped the slides and speaker notes for the presentation. Between the slides, the video, and the worksheet you have everything you need to teach this class in your area. You have our permission to use our material. Just make it clear that you’re unaffiliated with Touch of Flavor. And feel free to contact us if you need any help.

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Josh

Josh

Josh is a kinky, polyamorous, switch who loves a struggle. He’s been teaching and presenting on kink and polyamory since 2008. Josh is the co-founder of Touch of Flavor and the co-host of the TOF podcast. He likes pondering, and talking about about kink, polyamory, and relationships in his (limited) spare time.

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