He’s Not Christian Grey: How To Approach a Prospective Dominant

In the ideal fantasy world, you would meet an incredibly attractive, rich, smart, mildly brooding, and mysterious man (or possibly woman) who would sweep you off your uninformed, inexperienced feet in their helicopter. This fantasy person would be constantly sexy, smooth and know exactly the right thing to say or do at all times to keep you hot and bothered. Not only is that that’s a lot of pressure to put on a fellow human being, but understanding that Dominants are people too, and knowing how one should approach you, is important not only for your happiness but your safety as well.

In the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fantasy, the first issue that struck me was how the two protagonists begin meeting in private and spending time alone right away, without knowing anything about each other. In the real world, that type of risk-taking is a good way to end up being the opening character in a Criminal Minds episode.

In the kink community, it isn’t unusual for people to meet at a coffee shop or even meet at an event – without any intentions to play – a few times before starting any type of physical relationship. Also, it is fairly common to have a friend, preferably an experienced one, go with you to meets with a potential Dom, or to play parties when you plan to scene with a new partner; not to stand over you or be a part of your scene, but to act as a chaperone and make sure that your pre-negotiated limits are respected. Should you need to make a hasty exit or just end the play, it can be good to have someone in your corner.

Another thing that I have noticed about all erotica is that every relationship is sexual – of course – because that makes for a great story. However, the fact is that not every BDSM relationship includes any type of sexual contact. Some potential Dominants will be open to sexual relationships, and some won’t. The same is true in reverse, you as a submissive may be open to sexual play with some people, but not with others. Not every power exchange relationship includes sex. Over the years, my own Dominant has played with many other people. Some have included sexual play, and others included all play except sexual play. I also know many monogamous Dominants who take on new subs in a platonic-type relationship to stay faithful to their primary partner. While your fantasy may be that your Dominant will “Christian Gray” you – read your every thought and instantly know how to blow your mind sexually – the reality is that he may blow your mind in every way except sexually.

Which brings me to my next point: the idea that your partner will read your mind and know exactly what to do and what to say at all times. In FSOG, Christian seems to be able to actually SEE Anastasia’s thoughts when they are engaging in both sex and play, and responds perfectly. Unfortunately, we don’t need the Mythbusters to tell us this thought-process is busted. There are no X-men powers granted to those in a Dominant role, no radioactive spider bites them, no limitless pill is given to them, and no vampire mind-reading ability is magically thrust upon them. In short, Dominants are your basic, run-of-the-mill, everyday humans.

What’s that I’m hearing? The sound of millions of BDSM hopes and dreams being crushed to dust? I myself have fallen victim to this thinking at times. Submissives often put Dominants up on a pedestal as if they are some sort of Demi-God: unable to do any wrong, always in control, strong, and all-knowing. There are times when I swear my Dominant can read my thoughts because he is doing all the right things, and then my brain function resumes and I realize that his “mind-reading” is about 60% experience with me, 30% body-reading abilities, and 10% his own personality/desire blending with mine. (Your ratios may vary, but the lack of mind-reading never does). When new submissives assume/expect that their Dominant will “just know” what to do and what not to do, it places very unfair pressure on their (very human) Dominant. It also sets you up for every type of relationship disappointment and ultimately can lead to incompatibility and a failed relationship. Dominants are not always strong, or in control, or right. They are always human, and when approaching a prospective Dominant, remember that they are just another person.

But when you do approach (or are approached by) a Dominant, it is a bit more important than meeting a new friend or a colleague. If all goes well this person could potentially be in control of you and see you in very vulnerable situations; this is a position of power that requires a lot of trust. For this type of commitment, I highly recommend that you obtain references. Talking to past romantic partners, submissives, people they have played with, and friends can help you get an idea of what type of person your potential Dominant is. Are they the type of person/partner you can trust? In the fantasy world, you can trust everyone. In FSOG Ana goes to Christian’s house alone, she never speaks to any of his previous partners, and she blindly trusts him to take care of her. In reality, it’s important to know who you are dealing with. Ask what type and how much experience they have with different types of play, with D/s relationships, and with relationships in general. Ask if they have references that you can contact. Ask why their previous D/s relationships ended and on what terms. A good potential Dominant won’t have any problem being open and honest with you, and it’s important to reciprocate that honesty if you are going to build trust with each other.

Another thing to remember when approaching a potential Dominant is availability. How much time and contact do you expect to have with this person? How often do you expect to be playing? Will there be constant communication? What will take place in person? These are all important things to talk about with any potential partner. In fantasy, the people in the relationship often spend every waking moment together. In FSOG Christian and Ana agree to spend every weekend together, but that quickly morphs into him showing up everywhere that she is and constantly calling and texting. When they aren’t calling, or texting, or physically together, they are e-mailing. Not every Dominant can devote every second to you! The reality is that people work, they have hobbies, and home lives, and commitments to other things. Also, it’s equally important for you to have separation and time to reflect on the relationship and recover mentally from any play. The fantasy of spending every blissful moment together is romantic and sweet, but the reality is that D/s relationships are intense, and everyone needs a break sometimes.

In essence, meeting a Dominant in fantasy means meeting a new person and jumping into intense -possibly dangerous – physical and sexual play without any trust or relationship building. In reality, meeting a potential Dominant is more like interviewing them for a job. You need to know a lot about someone before you can build the trust necessary to put them into a position of power over you. You need to have your own safety at the forefront of every encounter and ask hard questions. Even after putting forth all of that effort, you may find you’re not compatible with the potential Dominant, and you start the whole process over. But the up-side to all of that effort and time is that you’re protecting yourself from being abused, endangered, or let down. You are setting yourself up for a lasting, successful D/s relationship that will fulfill the needs of all parties involved. You are building a relationship with someone who, if the power exchange aspect doesn’t work out, might be a valuable resource or friend in the community. Doing it right way might not be as glamorous as the movies, but then again, when is anything? I choose to believe your own happy reality is better than anyone else’s fantasy.