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How to Get Started With Kink


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If you’re looking to get started with kink, we highly recommend you watch our guide to negotiating a scene and listen to our guide to healthy power exchange.

So, you want to add a little kink into your bedroom?

Before you start engaging in kinky play it’s important to discuss who will be in charge. One of you should be the leader and one the follower, or you can take turns. If you both have different fantasies, decide who gets to act out their fantasy first.

Discuss what both of you want to try and the things you don’t. Never push your partners limits the first couple times you do kinky play. Take baby steps and do those activities both partners want to do.

In almost any kind of kinky sex, but especially in  fantasies, there is one essential step of planning which must never be forgotten: the “safe word.” For some submissives to have his or her fantasy take wing, he or she must be able to shout, “Oh, please no. Stop!” — and still be unable to escape the delights of their sexual torment. Yet they must be able to instantly communicate if they’re uncomfortable in any way or actually need to stop for any reason. That’s what a “safe word” is for. Discuss this with your partner, pick a word which is unlikely to come up in the planned fantasy, memorize it, and stop immediately if you hear it. 

It is commonly recommended that when starting you use RED, YELLOW, AND GREEN as your “safe words”. Red means “stop”, Yellow means “slow down”, and Green means ” this is great!”.

Next, comes actually living your fantasy. Make sure the two of you are alone and won’t be disturbed (or disturb others). It’s best if you can find privacy at home. If not, think about going away for the experience.

Before you start, tell your partner exactly what you’re going to do. This gives your partner a chance to object, and also to anticipate.

For example, tell your partner, “I’m going to tie your hands up high and then I’m going to spank you with my hand until your bottom turns pink. Then I’m going to tickle you all over with feathers while you’re helpless.” Or, “I’m going to tie you spread-eagled on the bed, blindfold you, and use the vibrator on your body until you beg for mercy.”

Once you have engaged in kinky sex a few times it will become easier to know what each partner wants. remember to have fun and not take yourself too seriously.

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Cassie is polyamorous, dominant, queer, and a full-time relationship coach. Since 2008 she’s been helping poly folks create extraordinary relationships while a falling back in love with each other. Cassie has been featured in publications such as The Huffington Post, The Atlantic, and Men’s and Women’s Health, and has taught at conferences and colleges across the US. Cassie is the co-founder of Touch of Flavor and co-host of the TOF podcast. Cassie lives in Maryland with her nesting partners Amanda and Josh, their teenaged son, a lovable but goofy Great Dane, and a cat with a bad attitude.
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