how our polyamorous clients build thriving relationships

Feeling Like a Roommate?

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Do you feel more like a roommate than a partner? Like the love and intimacy and connection are gone and you’re just… existing?

That’s painful. And hurts even more if you’re polyamorous and watching your partner give that affection YOU want to someone else. 

This isn’t what you signed up for! It’s time to stop settling and claim the love and passion you deserve.

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Josh 0:00
All right, everybody. So today we're going to be talking about feeling like a roommate in your own romantic relationships. So if that sounds like you, that's what we're going to cover today. Stay tuned.

Cassie 0:34
Here at Touch Of Flavor, we teach non monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:40
This podcast is about answering one question, how do you create loving, passionate, secure relationships outside the box? Even if nothing has ever worked before? If you want to know the answer, you are in the right place.

Cassie 0:53
All of this information is 100%. Free. So please subscribe to and review our podcast.

Josh 1:03
All right, everybody. So I'm going to be here talking to you today, we went out, we had some awesome training, some awesome coaching training, we were away for like 10 days, just absolutely rocked it looking forward to telling you all about that. But we came back and I was sick. And then Cassie was sick. So right now we're at a point where I'm actually feeling a good bit better. Like we both picked up like a nasty sinus thing while we were traveling. So I'm back. We're both back. I feel better right now. But Cassie is in a place where she is not feeling great. And not only is she not feeling great, but she doesn't have much of a voice right now. And what little voice she has, she is saving for our clients. So she should be back next week. And we'll probably talk some about the trip and all that awesomeness.

But for right now today, I just want to talk to you all about a topic that Cassie and I have been wanting to hit for a little bit. Right? And I just want to start off with this question. Which is, are you in a situation in your romantic relationships or in one of your romantic relationships? Right, maybe even your most entwined one, your longest running one, where you feel more like a roommate, then you do a romantic, loved, cherished partner. Right? So you're missing that love, you're missing that passion, you're missing that connection. You know, all those things that were amazing that brought you here, maybe to this relationship are gone. And you're in a spot right now where you're really just there. You're just existing together in the same space, you feel more like a roommate, maybe like even a bad discordant roommate than you do a loved and cherished partner, like does that sound like you? Does it sound like what you're feeling in your relationship right now? And it's a really common place to be.

But when I see people there when Cassie sees people there, what worries us isn't so much that people are there. I mean, obviously, it sucks. And it's not a spot you want to be in. And it's not what you signed up for. And it isn't sustainable forever. Right. But the thing that worries me the most, the thing that worries Cassie the most because she was actually one who first brought up this topic for us to discuss on the show is when we see not only that people are in that place of feeling like a roommate. But they've decided or maybe they're trying to convince themselves that it's okay. That it's okay to settle there. That it's okay to settle for feeling like a roommate and maybe maybe even what they tell themselves is it's preferable. Right? Like, I don't want to be a roommate, but I mean, it's better than the alternative. It's better than breaking up. It's better than losing this relationship is better than moving out. It's better than you know, having the kids go back and forth between two separate homes and deciding who's seen them when, like it's better. And being in that place where they're willing to settle. They're willing to stay there. They're willing to be in that place of being and staying a roommate in their own romantic relationships right in the place that more than anything, that they should feel more.

So I just I just want to do a little exercise with you real quick, right? I want you to take a step back. Once you take a step back to maybe early in your relationship to a time where the love was there, like it was dialed up to 11. You know, the passion was there, you were excited to come home, like you loved your partner more than anything in the world, and they loved you back, and you were excited to come home and your partner would come and like, you know, jump and hug you. And, you know, the intimacy, the sex was just amazing, like the passion was there, and you were wanted and you wanted them. And you were in a spot where just the love, the passion, the connection, the romance, the support, like everything that you wanted, out of a romantic relationship was here.

And I want you to sit there, and I want you to think and I want you to look when you were there when you were in that place, when it was just amazing. And you were picturing the future with your partner, you were picturing being together long term, living together, whatever, supporting each other, entwining your lives, maybe getting married, maybe having kids, building a life together, whatever. When you were looking at that. And you were looking you were excited about the future, and what that brought. What did that look like? What did the love and the passion and connection when you were imagining the future? What did that look like? I want you to take kind of a good, hard look in the mirror of, of your mind, of where you're at now of what your day to day existence with that person is. And I want you to ask yourself, Is this what you imagined? Is this what you signed up for? Is this really what you wanted?

And if the answer to that is No, I want to take this just a step further. Right? Because again, the that desire that we have, right, that thought that we have that, well, something's better than nothing. And I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want things to get worse, right. So I will just settle for the status quo, the status quo for what's going on here. Right now. Since that is the default that we go to a lot of times, I want you to take this just a step further. And looking at like I said that mirror looking at your life, how does now the intimacy, the connection, how excited you are to see your partner, the way that you feel, when you're sitting in the same room. The way that you feel when you're laying there in bed at night. Right, like what your sex life looks like what your connection looks like, how happy you are in the relationship that you have.

I want you to ask yourself if this was the best that ever was from here out, right, if I just really truly decided to settle for this, and it never got any better. And this is what this relationship looked like. This is what my life looked like from here, was being disconnected and feeling unloved and feeling like a roommate and missing those things and missing the touches and missing what we used to have. What would be the worst part of that? Like, what would be the worst part if I really truly settled for this? And this really was the best that it ever was again. What would that really be like? What would be the worst part of that. What would be my biggest regret? If this is it? If this is how I feel if this is the person I am to my partner from here on out, what would be my biggest regret. And from that place, from that place of looking back at what you imagine and what you signed up for versus where the romance and the connection the passion is now. And from that place of looking at what if this was the best? What if I really did settle for this and that never got any better? From that place, then I want you to ask yourself: Are you really willing to settle? Are you really willing to settle for feeling like a roommate in your own relationship? And I hope the answer to that is no. Right? Because you deserve more. And I want to talk about that. Because I really, truly believe like all of us here, really, truly believe that you were meant for more, and you deserve more. But I want to dive just a little deeper down this rabbit hole of why it's so important not to settle because again, so often we talk to people. And that's what they're looking at doing.

Right. And I want you to understand that at the end of this, the whole idea of settling, the reason that we choose to settle is because what we come to is this place that well, something is better than nothing. Right? I would rather have this, I would rather have this little bit, that I have this little bit of this person, a little bit of the support this little bit of my life, than to have nothing. Right, I would rather have that for myself, I would rather have that so my partner has that, you know, they're not on their own, I would rather have that so our kids have both parents here. And that idea. Of course, like it in one way, the intention behind that, especially when it's looking out for your partner or looking out for your family is admirable. But it's really important to understand that when you play this out, when you really truly think about this, right? That doesn't work long term.

Because this is the reality of this, there's a few pieces, you know, the first piece I want you to understand, let's take this out of the realm of any kind of romantic relationship that you've ever had. And let's talk about just living with a roommate. living with a roommate is difficult. It's hard. Right? You know, a lot of people you look at a lot of people, right. And obviously, we a lot of us, most of us have roommates at certain points. But that doesn't tend to be a long term situation for a lot of people because when your in a spot where you have somebody who's just a roommate, you're sharing your space, you're sharing your home, right? You, you run into little head butting moments, right? It's difficult, it's it's hard to live with somebody. And sure, like, you can certainly find reasons to make that work. But when you're looking at being in this kind of situation, right, you're in a spot where you're still doing, because you're not talking about a roommate, you're talking about a person that you love, you're talking about doing 80% of the work, right for this relationship, like the work that you're already putting in, to now just get like 10% of the benefit to just have a roommate. And not only are you having to put in the work, you're having to put in the work to communicate with each other, to navigate living in the same home, and the same space to try and avoid all of those, those feelings, those difficult feelings that are separating you two out in the first place. Not only are you having to do all that work for just a tiny bit of the benefit, right? But there's a whole host of other problems.

And first and foremost, like being in that place where you've lost that. Where you had that vision of a future of the relationship that you wanted, right? Being in that spot where you're seeing that and you're seeing that person who you loved, who you still love every single day, and yet they're not in love with you. Maybe you're not in love with them. You're not getting the things that you wanted and needed and imagined from this relationship. That hurts, that hurts every day that you have to see it and because it continues to hurt, it continues to aggravate whatever the problems were, that led you to this place to begin with. The resentment, the arguing, the whatever it is that brought you here, every day you have to be in that hurt. It just aggravates those problems more and again, now you're trying to do the work and do the work and still do the work to maintain just the ability to even live in the same home without being miserable. But but for just a tiny fraction of the benefit Right. And here's the other piece of this is not just that you have to go through being unhappy in this right in suffering and missing out on what you used to have. And I challenge you-

Really before I go any further here, I just want to take a second here. If you really, truly believe, and this why I got back to this was this the best it ever was question. But if you really truly believe that, you are going to be able to be in a place of having somebody that you love that you imagine a future with, that you had a connection with, that was just amazing that you wanted that, that you still want that and you're going to be able to see them everyday and feel that distance every day. And you're going to be okay, and just able to keep living your life, like nothing's happening. You don't have a very good understanding of how we operate as humans. And all you have to do is look outside yourself, look at friends that you know, people, other people like look outside, I challenge you to look outside of yourself and your own relationship, and to look at other people that you know, who have tried to go from together, of loving, a future life, from that place of connection, to two roommates. And to look at how that's gone for them. Right. But going back just for a minute isn't just that you have to be in a spot of being unhappy. And seeing that, right. But you also you either have to see your partner be unhappy, or you have to see them be happy. And both of those are difficult. And I'm going to tell you why. Right.

So first off, number one, you either have to see them be unhappy, you have to be here, you have to be again, sharing space with this person that you loved, that you care about, that you still have feelings for that you still want to see the best for, you have to be in this place of being around them every single day. And seeing that they are unhappy, because they don't have the life that they wanted with you, they don't have the connection with you because you're aggravating those feelings that missing in them by being there with them every day. And you have to see them in pain and see them in suffering. And know that a huge piece of that a huge piece of that suffering of them being unhappy and unfulfilled in life is because they want something they can't have with you. And you're still around. So either you have to see that, which is really difficult.

Or maybe this is worse, maybe it's not depending who you are, or you have to see them be happy with somebody else, you have to see them drift further and further away from you. And you have to see them be happy with somebody else. And obviously the happiness isn't the problem, like you want them to be happy. But that love that you used to have, that passion that you used to have, that running through the door, be being excited to see you that you used to have with them. That like being fired up and wanting the passion and the intimacy all the time. And oh my god, it's so amazing. And it's just fantastic. And just that, that you used to have with them that you again, still want with them. You have to see not only be there with them every day seeing them knowing that you don't have that. You have to watch them give that to somebody else. Right. And that's, that's where jealousy and resentment and hurt and anger comes in. Not from our partner being happy, not from our partner even giving love and happiness and connection, and intimacy and sex and fun to somebody else. Right? No that that comes from seeing somebody else get those things that we desperately want and desperately need, and can't have and are reminded every day that we can't have. But now we see somebody else have that. Right. And at the end of the day, I just again, need to stress that at the end of the day you're doing this you're going through all this suffering with the idea that having something's going to be better than having nothing, but that's just absolutely false.

Because number one, being miserable and suffering and watching that every single day. It doesn't feel better then starting something new, or than rocking the boat and actually fixing things which is where I really want to get with this. Right? But it isn't sustainable. When you're in a spot where you're even more unhappy, where your partner is even more unhappy, we're, like I said, you're watching that go to somebody else where, you know, people talk about staying together for the kids. But now the kids are watching you be miserable, and unhappy and unsatisfied and unfulfilled in life. And you're setting that example to them, of what it's okay to settle for, or, you know, more commonly, it isn't even comfortable. Like a comfortable situation for your kids in the house. Because there is unhappiness, there is hurt, there's, there's tension, there's fighting, there's arguing, there's there's disconnection, there's all these hard feelings. Right? At the end of the day, none of that is sustainable. So what people wind up doing, by going into this we'll just be roommates, is they just keep having things feel worse and worse, and worse and worse, and they keep settling for less than they deserve. And living as a fraction of the person that they should be in a fraction of the life they desreve. And a fraction of the love and affection and intimacy that they deserve. And in the end, it still doesn't work. It's just that you kicked that can- I don't know, months, years down the road and made everybody involved absolutely miserable in the meantime. Right.

So what is the truth here? Because this is what I really want to get to, you know, I wanted to spend some time there and really draw that context, because again, for a lot of people, that is where we go, we're in the spot where like, we feel like roommates were like, Okay, we'll settle for it, maybe it's even the best option. And I really wanted to just make it clear on why that is a horrible option. I mean, honestly, if we're just having an honest conversation, which is what we love to have here, being in a spot where you're roommates and you're miserable, and you're suffering and your partner suffering your family suffering every day, you are better off fixing it or breaking up even, right. Being in that spot of misery. And in a stagnant place without change, or where things are even getting worse, you're better off fixing it. But if you're not going to fix it, you're actually better off breaking up than sitting in that spot. Right? So what is the truth?

But like, if you are in this place, where you're thinking of settling for feeling like a room mate, like, what is the real truth there? What is it that you need to know. And the first part that you need to know is that it's possible to have something better, it's possible to get out of feeling like a roommate. It's possible to get back that love, and that passion, and that intimacy and that connection and that romantic relationship that you sign up for. It's possible. And it's only possible if you choose to seize it. Right? Because here's the truth, you deserve more than that. You deserve a relationship where you're loved, you deserve a relationship, where your partner wants to jump your bones, you deserve a relationship where you are happy and excited to come home. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy and lifts you up and brings out the best in you, which is an amazing romantic relationship. Right? You deserve that. Right? You deserve that. And your family, your partner, your kids, they deserve a relationship where they're happy, right? You deserve more and your family deserves more than settling here and that is available to you. But here's the truth, the fact that you deserve more, does not mean that you're going to get it. Because the truth of this world is that we do not get what we deserve. We get what we settle for.

So I believe and you may even believe that you deserve love and connection and passion and intimacy and happiness and an amazing thriving life and amazing, thriving relationships. And it doesn't matter how much I believe it or you believe it, right? If you settle for feeling like a roommate, then that is what you will get. If you settle for being unhappy and being reminded everyday of what you lost and what you miss and what you wish you could have, then that is what you're going to get.

So the first piece of having that love and that connection, and of getting that back. Like I said, you can Have it. But the first piece is deciding, it's making a decision that you do deserve more. And that because you deserve more that because your family deserves more, even if it's just that you recognize that it's not going to work long term, even if that's your reason, whatever your reason is, it doesn't really matter. But you have to make a decision that you will not settle here. You will not settle for this, you will not settle for feeling like a roommate and feeling unloved. And you have to decide that. Because, and I said this earlier, the reason that we get stuck in this place is that building something better for ourselves, it involves being willing to rock the boat, right? When we're in a place where again, things are stagnant, they're getting worse, the only way to change that and to get back the relationship that we want is to do something different. And doing something different means being willing to rock the boat, it means being willing to suffer, to tolerate, to being willing to experience there we go. That's the word I was looking for, to experience some discomfort in the moment, for the sake of getting back the love and connection and passion and relationship that you deserve. Right.

And here's what's great. When you do that when you are willing to rock the boat when you are in a spot where you are like I deserve more than this, my family deserves more and I am not willing to settle for less, I am not willing to settle for less. I am not willing to be unloved. I'm not willing for my partner to be in a relationship where they're unloved and unhappy, I am not willing to just watch things slide towards the cliff as we just get unhappier and unhappier, and unhappier. From that place. From there things can change, from there, on the other side of that is love, on the other side of that is passion, on the other side of that is security and getting your relationship back. And being in a place where you do have the relationship and the life and the connection and the intimacy and the passion and everything that you've signed up for here. Everything that you signed up for when you got in this relationship, everything that you imagined, when you got together. Right, that is available, but only from that place of seizing your power being in a spot where you will not tolerate less for yourself. And you are willing to do the work, put in the effort, rock the boat, and really just be committed to a better life for you a better life for your family and to do whatever it takes to make a change. All right.

Now, as far as the practical steps of that, right, the practical steps of doing that the practical steps of now going from that decision to fixing things. If you want to know that side of things, here's what I want you to do. So we've put together a free training on the five strategies that you need to put in place in you relationship, like the five steps, right, the five steps to go from that decision, that decision of I will not tolerate this, I deserve more, I deserve love. I want more for myself and my family. To go from that decision to now, actually having the strategy and the actions right, the next five steps that you need to take to build those thriving relationships. So if you are making that decision for yourself, and now you want to know what to do, then what I want you to do go to atouchofflavor.com/pillars. Like I said, we've got that free training for you there today. Go ahead, pull it up, put in your name, put in your email, grab up the next time that we're doing it, right and watch that training because that is going to walk you through the strategies that you need in place to go from that decision that you deserve a better relationship. That decision that you deserve love and passion, you're going to get back what you used to have and what you imagined and what you dreamed of. And to actually now make that decision a reality. All right, so like I said, go to atouchofflavor.com/pillars and grab that up, watch that. Show up, show up with notes is going to be incredibly valuable and awesome. And then as far as that goes, like I said it's been a pleasure talking to you all. And Cassie will be here next week, barring any other unforeseen illnesses on anybody's part, and we will hop back on with you then. So until then, go watch that training and take care.

Thanks for tuning into today's show, we release new episodes every week. So make sure to subscribe.

Cassie 30:23
If you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us. Here's what I want you to do next, head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour. And we'll get you crystal clear on three things. What's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like and a step by step plan to close the gap and save your family even if nothing has worked before.

Josh 30:51
We talk with hundreds of non monogamous folks like you every year. And here's the truth, building loving, thriving relationships that doesn't happen on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you are building relationships outside the box, that's impossible to find and we get it but that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families, get the passion back and become best friends again.

Cassie 31:15
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk. I'm Cassie

Josh 31:23
And I'm Josh. Let's talk soon