#049: Sperm Donors, Dirty Talk, and Poly Folks with No Sex Drive

November 26, 2018

It’s a Q&A episode! Yay! Today, we take a bunch of questions from folks wanting to know about: fathering children for other couples in your polycule, bridging the desire gap in a triad, the difference between Mormons and other polyamorous folks, what to do when your partner (who knew you were poly) tries to force you into monogamy, and much more. 

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Resources Mentioned:

Show Notes:

[2:48] Q: My wife and I have been poly for 5 years and have two children. We are in a relationship with two other couples (bi male/female, and bi female/female), neither of which have children. Due to low sperm count and quality, the male/female couple can’t conceive. The female/female couple have asked me to give the younger wife a child naturally, and now the male/female couple would like the same. I want to know what the responsibilities and expectations are of my wife and me? How do I blend our families with no major issues?

Cassie’s A: It seems like you all have given this issue a lot of thought already in terms of the logistics, but we recommend checking more into the laws and legalities of your the situation. For example, while some states say anyone is free to be a donor, others require a visit to the clinic. Next, discussing the expectations and roles of every member of the poly family is very important.

Rigel’s A: I view this as three levels:

  1. Whatever you agree to as far as dividing time, child rearing, etc.
  2. The ethical level of what you feel your responsibility should be towards the child.
  3. The legal level – which may be different than what you are negotiating, so be sure to know your laws. In many states, there is a presumption that a sperm donor will be expected to provide child support.

Find a poly attorney, the NCSF’s Kink Aware Professionals Directory is a great place to start.

[8:29] Q: I have been considering becoming poly, but I’m not very sexual and I don’t understand what poly means. I keep finding myself in love with two people. Does that make me poly? And is poly a Mormon thing?

A: Does that make you poly? Yes. There are various types of open relationships – poly, swinging, open marriage, etc. Polyamory is having multiple simultaneous romantic relationships with more than one person at a time (with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved). The big difference of how poly is practiced in Mormonism is that it sticks to a specific kind of structure which is one man and multiple wives. The fun part is exploring what type of poly works best for you and the people you are in a relationship with.

[12:08] Q: I’m in a closed triad, and we are struggling with making sure everyone gets what they need. How can we make sure everyone is satisfied?

A: The Desire Gap is a term we coined to talk about differences in desire/libido. In a closed triad especially, it’s really important for everyone to get their needs met, otherwise resentment is bound to set in. You and the higher libido partner must make sure you are getting your needs fulfilled, and your partner needs to give you the space to make the situation work for everyone. Also, have some conversations on ways that your partner can still feel part of the action (if they want to) without having to stick around for the whole encounter once they are done.

[20:05] Q: I just watched your video on Poly / Mono relationships and I am experiencing a similar situation. I’ve been with my partner for over a year and disclosed my poly relationship preferences up front, and she said she was okay with it. Over time she has become jealous of my existing potential partners and is attempting to force me into monogamy. I’m now hesitant to date others and am considering leaving her because I don’t see a solution. Are others experiencing similar issues?

A: Yes, many other poly people go through this, and one of the main things Cassie tells people on consult calls is that there are often ways to bridge even fundamental differences between people. The conversation needs to center around whether you both are willing to put the effort into trying one path and open to discovering if that path is right for you despite the unknown outcome. It is possible, and surprisingly common, for people to have successful poly/mono relationships.

[25:48] Q: Why is it so hard to find poly women? I’m in a city of 18 million people – where are they!

A: They are out there, we promise. Ask yourself: where are you looking? If you are looking online, getting offline and into the kink and/or poly communities is really helpful. Women get bombarded with messages online. We have found it’s incredibly helpful to look on Meetup.com or to google “poly” and then the nearest metro city by you in order to find local events.

[31:05] Q: I am an older male who loves CFNM (clothed female naked male) and want more of that experience but my wife is not kinky. Where do I find someone?

A: If you are in a relationship with someone, and you are not getting your needs met, you’ve got four options… and cheating is definitely not one of them:

  1. You can stay together and have those needs unfulfilled. (which can only last for so long)
  2. You can break up. (probably not what you want)
  3. Rather than going to the extreme of listing all your kink needs and desires all at once, you can try something a little less kinky and see if your wife would be into it. This would allow for trust and curiosity to build. Dirty talk, leaving a kinky webpage open, or starting small is easier than jumping in and overwhelming your partner.
  4. You can talk with your wife and see if she is okay with you getting your needs met elsewhere.

[42:11] Q: Can polyamory work if I have no sex drive?
A: Yes. In many ways, it may even work better. If you were looking to be monogamous with a low sex drive, that may limit your dating pool. On the other hand, if you’re open to non-monogamy and your partner can look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment, they could still get other needs met from you and be happy in the relationship.