#048: Let’s Be Honest – Poly Sex Should Be Great Sex
November 19, 2018
We love talking and teaching about relationships, but sometimes you just gotta talk about sex. In the poly world, sometimes sexual partners may be other romantic partners, and other times they are friends with benefits. Today, we take a deep dive on the reasons folks may want to have casual sex, the conversations that must take place between a couple before you begin talking with other people, and what folks tend to screw up. Then we give some pro tips on both negotiating casual sex and how to handle that sex while it’s going down.
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[2:31] The ability to have multiple intimate partners is awesome when it goes right, and can be really bad when it goes wrong. Casual sex must be negotiated correctly to help avoid a situation where someone has different expectations, one side isn’t getting their needs met, or just plain awkwardness.
[4:51] Casual sex isn’t the culprit for bad experiences, it’s usually the way folks go about negotiating the arrangements and expectations.
[5:31] Why would someone want to have casual sex in the first place? It’s fun. Beyond that, casual sex offers novelty, excitement, and learning lessons that we get with new and varied experiences. It also provides someone the chance to explore and figure out what they like, and what they don’t, and explore curiosities about their orientation without set expectations.
[7:56] Casual sex can be empowering, and free someone from the stigma and backlash that tend to be associated with casual sex. It also provides an opportunity for folks to get their needs met for kinks that their partner isn’t into, without the need for creating a whole other separate intimate relationship.
[13:33] Self-awareness is key, long before casual sex is even attempted. You and your partner must discuss in reasonable detail your standpoints on sex without attachment, barriers, risk levels and what activities are okay outside the relationship.
[19:10] Group sex should be a win-win for everyone, and you must be offering just as much in the interactions. For example, if you are asking for STI results, you must bring that to the table as well.
[21:01] A relationship is the connection that you have with somebody and the expectation that you have for care and interaction. Even though casual sex may be short-term or a one-night interaction, it’s important to be very clear and truthful with the expectations everyone has.
[24:59] One place the kink community tends to get stuff right is negotiation before the action takes place.
[28:31] A few of the points we personally negotiate beforehand: What are your hard and soft limits? Are there any injuries or health issues I should know about? Do you have any emotional triggers or physical conditions? What is your prior experience? What would you like your encounter to look like?
[35:39] It’s important to get into the conversation on what sex is, and what it isn’t. Also, discuss the aftercare your partner needs to feel good right after, and even the days to follow. Maybe it’s nothing at all, maybe it’s a text just to check in.
[39:53] You can get NRE (New Relationship Energy) after casual sex, and it’s a lot more likely if it’s one of your first experiences. It’s good to recognize it for what it is and to be sure you and your partner have a safe space to talk about any feelings that can come up.
[42:44] Respect the boundaries of others and the agreements set forth in your negotiations.