#047: Cis Men, Craigslist Dating, and Putting The “Amory” in Polyamory

November 12, 2018

This week, we are back with another highly requested Q&A episode! If you submitted your question and it isn’t here, don’t worry as we will be increasing the frequency of q and episodes in the near future. Just a few of the things we get down on in this week’s episode include: where to find a person to date as a couple, if you should break up if you aren’t attracted to your partner, what to do when there are no “benefits” with your friend with benefits, and if we need more “amory” in polyamory. 

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Show Notes:

[5:02] Back by popular demand, we are bringing back our dating coaching program, Single to Satisfied! It kicks off December 10th, and is the ONLY dating program which provides those seeking non-traditional relationships the tools and confidence to easily find, attract, and connect with compatible partners. To schedule your free initial consult call with Cassie, click here: Book a Free Breakthrough Session. There are only 15 spaces available, so be sure to contact us ASAP if you are interested.

[10:11] Q: My wife found someone at a play party she was interested in and he seemed to negotiate the sexual encounter like a BDSM scene. Can you do an episode regarding what good and bad examples of those conversations look like?

A: That is common in the BDSM community or folks from that space. We did do a Facebook Live video on How to Negotiate Hook Ups When You Are Non-Monogamous, and it does address some of these issues. We love your idea of doing some example negotiations on the podcast, so stay tuned!

Q: What can folks do to tie the knot and make things more equitable in a group marriage? What are you specifically planning to do in your situation?

A: It really looks different for everyone, but this is a situation where it helps to weigh idealism with practicality. The first category is ceremonial, and you can do pretty much anything you would do in a “traditional” or typical wedding. We know people that do handfasting, candle ceremonies, sand ceremonies, or just whatever the people in that relationship feels expresses their bond appropriately. The second category of legal and equitable protection obviously has a whole series of steps to consider, including making sure everyone is protected when it comes to assets, children, health insurance, etc. Many of these laws vary by location, and we highly recommend listening to Ep #026, and then finding an attorney. We personally are doing a lot, and working on even more; one example is getting our partner Amanda Power of Attorney for the kiddo.

[22:54] Q: We have a play relationship with another kinky couple, with whom I have tied the male many times. We hang out many times, and each time play is pushed further back. I feel like we’ve gotten away from the kinky fun, and I want more fun hangout time. How do I bring this up and not seem narrow-minded?

A: When we have play partners and we see them once or twice a month, of course we will have bangin’, awesome long-term play. When we see them several times a week or daily, there will be less play, or maybe no play at all. It’s reasonable to ask for what you desire both in terms of frequency, and priority of it beginning more towards the early side of the night. Come from a place of acknowledging the positive, and sharing your desire of how awesome your play is.

[27:17] Q: I’ve been online dating from age 16 – 29. A few months ago, there were popular writings on FetLife (Kinky and Popular) and Facebook about how Cis men should be run out of the community, and my friends tended to agree with the posts. I recognize that most of the people responding were hurt from the past, but now I feel shut out and confused.

A: This is a topic that’s obviously tough to talk about. We want to give validation in your feelings, and offer ideas of what you can do in your dating efforts. First, we must seek to understand the anger and hurt people feel without needing to prove our point. Some of the animosity you are picking up on may have to do with your responses to the conversations, and you are much likely to get a different reaction in person rather than online. We recommend giving some thought to uncovering if there may be other issues at play with your dating skills, and taking it from there.

[37:19] Q: I wonder if we put too much emphasis on “poly and not enough on “amory.” The point is having committed relationships no matter what the number is. What are your thoughts?

A: Everybody defines poly a little differently, Rigel’s opinion is that if you are looking for play partners rather than a commitment, that’s valid too. Cassie’s perspective is that amory doesn’t always mean committed, nor does it mean one is “polysexual,” but it should come with an intention to treat others with love and care. Those relationships that aren’t as intertwined aren’t less valuable.  

[42:02] Q: I have a few questions about finding a poly girlfriend together. Where do we look? Craigslist seems shady.

A: Yes, we agree that Craigslist is shady, and a lot of dating sites are vanilla. OkCupid used to be a great option for poly folks but seems to have gone downhill as of late. We recommend connecting with your local poly community to find folks that have experience and aren’t complete novices. It’s important for your partner to know how to be an advocate for themselves, and also to have experience with poly generally, and preferably with dating couples specifically.

[45:17] Q: Once we meet her, do we meet her separately? Or do we both meet them together?

A: You should be very upfront with the fact that you want to date as a couple.

[47:33] Q: How do we begin dating, and then move to having a live-in girlfriend?

A: You start dating and finding people that you connect with, and naturally after a long time you start spending time with that person. Having a live-in girlfriend is not something you should expect, but something that should happen after a long time if it makes sense for everyone.

[50:49] Couples looking to date women have a bad in the poly community. The first thing you need to do is sit down and discuss what you are looking for, and to make sure there is not an unreasonable gap between what you are expecting and offering. It’s also important to recognize that dating someone needs to be treated as a whole other relationship, and offering them the chance to be a part of your relationships isn’t a prize.

[57:07] Q: I’ve had a girlfriend for two years. She is beautiful, sweet, and caring. But, I’m not attracted to her in that way anymore. My friends think I am nuts for possibly breaking up with her, and I don’t want to break her heart, but I don’t know what to do.

A: No matter how sweet or caring someone is if you aren’t attracted to them the best thing to do is to be honest. People do change over time, and it’s important to ask yourself what is it that has changed specifically how you feel about her. Or, are you are wanting that she can’t provide? It may be worth an uncomfortable conversation if it’s something that can be worked on or changed, or if you need to get some needs met somewhere else. If there aren’t any possible solutions, it’s better to break up sooner than to string her along.