#046: Need a Hand? Here’s Our Advice on Advice
November 5, 2018
When you run into problems in your poly relationships, where do you turn for advice? If you’re like many folks, you talk to other partners, to your friends, to folks in your poly communities (either local or online). But that leads to conflicting answers, confusion, and a lack of results.
Not all advice is equal, or even helpful. In this episode, we discuss how getting your relationships advice from friends and family is causing more problems than it’s solving. We also explain how to critically evaluate advice so you can find accurate sources of information and create the changes you want in your relationships.
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[4:22] When folks seek out advice from friends or family, it’s common for them to get well-meaning platitudes that are meant to help, but aren’t exactly in their best interest in the long term. Sayings like “don’t be jealous”, “give your partner space” and “have good communication” are concepts we typically already know, but what folks need are the actual tools to implement positive change in their relationship.
[6:29] When you seek out advice from family and friends, you may get emotional support instead of help. Encouragement is nice, but it can leave you stuck in a place of not really hearing the truth you need to move forward and find solutions.
[7:42] Even if you get great advice, knowing how to apply it correctly, and the order in which to do it is a huge part of the battle.
[8:48] When you seek out advice from many different people and sources, the advice can be fragmented and you may spend a lot of time and energy skipping around without getting a full solution.
[12:34] Folks have a tendency to see small improvements and think their advice is working, but then become perplexed when the issues on the backburner start burning up when not attended to. You begin backsliding, and it’s easy to feel as though any progress has been for nothing, and you are right back to square one.
[15:48] We most certainly encourage folks finding their community and other like-minded friends. It’s great to have a support system and model for healthy relationships and to be with people that accept you for who you are without judgment. However, the community shouldn’t be the first (or only) place to reach out to for advice.
[18:11] Our friends are biased. They see the best in us and come to discussions with a set of glasses that affect how they see us and the world. We need impartial and unbiased advice.
[19:55] There is something (bad) to be said about people you interact with on an everyday basis knowing all the intimate and private details of your life. You are putting them in the middle, and whichever direction it leads, someone is likely to have hurt feelings.
[22:07] It is important to get in the mindset of considering the source, no matter who you get your relationship advice from.
[22:51] If you see a person or people making mistakes in their own relationships, consider the source when they give you their advice. Just because something works in one relationship doesn’t mean it’s going to work in yours. It could work in spite of them or they could only be right in the contest of their own relationships.
[27:36] There are big differences between knowing information, being well versed in a subject, and having the skill set to teach it to others successfully.
[28:21] There is a large difference between the advice folks get from family and friends and from a trusted professional. When you work with a professional, they will be able to help you with problems specific to you and your partners, so you can apply these tools to your own challenges and people. They have dozens of cases and know how to overcome various situations with information that has worked in a variety of ways with a variety of different people.
[33:00] There is power and a true sense of security that comes from knowing you have a cohesive plan and structured system for getting advice.
[35:54] It’s important to be critical and evaluate the source of where you want to get advice from. Are they knowledgeable on the topic, and do they possess the skills to teach it to others?
[36:27] To schedule your breakthrough session, click here.