#044: The Cost of Guilt In Your Relationships

October 22, 2018

Get ready… this week we talk all about the word that makes many squirm just hearing it – guilt.

When your partner’s unhappy and unsatisfied it’s easy to feel guilty… especially if you were the driving force behind opening op the relationship. But that guilt is just piling more hurdles on top of the barriers you’re already facing. In this episode, we dive deep into exactly what that guilt is costing you and how it could be the very thing driving you and your partner further apart.

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Resources Mentioned:

Show Notes:

[1:24] One of the main reasons that folks feel guilty in their non-monogamous relationship is when their partner isn’t having as easy an experience. Whether their partner is feeling insecure, jealous, or just not finding other good relationships, it is natural to feel guilty when someone else is struggling.

[5:11] When the feeling is present that it would be much easier to just be “normal”, or we are now responsible for driving the relationship to open up, guilt may even exist for just being non-monogamous in the first place.

[8:08] Guilt typically comes from three sources:

  1. Empathy and feeling responsible for the feelings of our partner.
  2. Anxiety about being rejected, or the fear of causing disaster or destruction in your relationship.
  3. We haven’t admitted to ourselves that we really want this, and guilt is a defense mechanism to mask our true desire.

[12:26] The kind of guilt that has a benefit, is really more remorse, and drives us to change our future actions and decisions based on not hurting ourselves or our loved one. Most of the time guilt presents itself as a long, drawn-out difficulty that causes additional problems.

[13:31] Guilt has a way of leading us to doubt our choices, actions and feelings. It also chips away at our self-esteem, and security.

[15:27] You can’t negotiate effectively when you are operating from guilt.

[16:34] Guilt makes us defensive, causing even more problems and taking us away from the authentic and honest conversations that are necessary. This leads to us feeling withdrawn and hopeless.

[20:10] Some common myths we find surrounding guilt:  

  1. You have to feel guilty to care, or if you don’t feel guilty, that’s a sign you don’t care enough.
  2. Guilt will protect you when things go poorly, or things go bad.
  3. You must live in guilt, and there is no moving forward or getting over the circumstance.

[26:50] Guilt makes us focus on our own feelings, rather than our partner and our relationships. When you move past it, you can negotiate everyone’s needs in an honest and truthful way.

[31:22] If you need some support while working on these issues, you can book a call with us through our Book a Free Breakthrough Session.