#040: Unwanted Compliments, Feeling Undateable, and Awkward Group Sex

September 17, 2018

We love all our listener questions! Today we tackle a bunch including a hardball question about our adoption plans, how to handle unwanted compliments after a scene, what to do when you feel undateable, ways to get your partner to open up and explore some kink, and why we encourage sex BEFORE marriage.

Rigel’s note: If anyone is familiar with the article I mention when answering the question at 8:23, I’d greatly appreciate if you forward it to me! I refer to this article regularly but I read it years ago and can’t locate it. Thanks!

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Show Notes:

[4:43] What is the update on your adoption process, and why don’t you want to be a test case for poly adoption?

Our priority now is about family planning, and while we would love to make a case law on our adoption process, we actually want to adopt in the near future.

[8:23] I’ve been playing with my husband for 5 years, and just went to my first BDSM party in a public space. People commented on my technique, and this made me feel awkward. What should I do?

Getting praise from people can be exhilarating for some, awkward and embarrassing for others, and often it comes with the territory of playing in public spaces. There are several pieces of advice we would give. You can tell people you are uncomfortable, but this will only resolve the issue for the folks who hear you say that.. You can pick the spaces in a play space that are more private, and possibly make a sign letting people know you prefer to not talk about your scenes once they are finished. We think you should keep trying, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if you feel the comments are done with an ulterior motive, or they are interrupting your scene.

[14:19] Have you been complimented after a scene? If so, how did you handle it?

Cassie had a moment where a compliment felt a little awkward, but we took it in the spirit of which it was intended, and now that person has actually become our friend.

[18:41] I’ve tried many different things, but I still feel undateable. I need touch, and I can’t pay for it all the time. What can I do?

We see two different paths in your solution. To address the issue of touch, we recommend finding or starting a private cuddle group. MeetUp and FetLife are two places to look, and these groups are usually free or cheap. Second, the mindset of feeling as though you are undateable and unloveable is something people can sense, and it becomes a self fulfilling vicious cycle. We tend to recommend folks who find themselves getting desperate take a break from trying to date, and focus more on hobbies and interests that you enjoy. The more happy and confident you are, the more appealing you will be to others.

[24:42] I suffer from vulvodynia, and this often makes PIV sex uncomfortable or painful. This has lead to my boyfriend feeling negative about sex. How do I have conversations with him and get him to open up?

The first key element is making sure your timing is right, and that both you and your boyfriend are in a relaxed and supportive space to have these conversations. Next, you can possibly bring in some porn that you like, invite dirty talk, “accidentally” leave a hidden website or book laying around. Take it slow, and and introduce these ideas in a non threatening way. Our DesireMap can also be a great way to see who is in the mood for what, and what they are comfortable for.

[34:20] How do I make group interactions where two people don’t interact sexually less complicated, specifically in a situation where two members of the group are trying to get pregnant?

When you are in group sex situations, things tend to not be completely equal, and attention tends to move in circles. It does take some adjustment to go from one partner to a group dynamic, especially when the somewhat clinical aspect of getting pregnant is added. Even in group relationships, there is still a space for dyad time and intimacy.

[40:41] I am a virgin Christian, and saving sex for marriage. Porn is my main outlet for sexual curiosity, and I like hardcore porn. What if it scares away my future wife?

We feel like porn isn’t a bad thing, it’s the addiction to it that presents a problem. When porn affects your relationships, or any aspect of your life in general negatively, that becomes an issue. Will hardcore porn scare away your future wife? Perhaps if you bring it up the night you meet.  We suggest introducing her slowly to some of the kink you are into, and easing her in rather than shocking her on the first date. Also, it’s important to know that porn is certainly not a depiction of sex in reality. We respect the choices of others, however our personal belief is that before you make the commitment of marriage, you need to see how compatible you are sexually.

[51:02] How do you navigate conversations when Partner A wants a lot of into about your activities with Partner B, but Partner B is uncomfortable with the level of detail?

It’s usually good to give at least a broad overview where you know what your partner is up to. If it affects someone’s quality or life or safety we think you should be open to sharing, but also balance the desire of your partner’s wish for privacy.