4 Polyamorous Holiday Hacks

Cassie 0:01
So it is the holiday season. It is a time for giving and joy and excitement and lots of stress. So today we're going to give you the hack that we teach our non-monogamous clients. So that way they can come out the holidays even stronger, and more connected than they did going into it. Versus having all the challenges that could come from the holiday.

Cassie 0:25
Here at Touch of Flavor, we teach non-monogamous folks how to overcome their obstacles and build thriving relationships.

Josh 0:35
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Cassie 1:03
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Cassie 1:13
Alright. So today, we're going to be talking about the holidays and what you can do for your relationship to make sure that through this season of chaos and family and all of the things, that you come out on the other side feeling connected and strong in your relationship. Because really, that's what this is all about. There's nothing worse than going through the holidays, and feeling lonely and disconnected and frustrated and having these horrible memories that you hang on to for years to come. Because unlike a Monday or a Tuesday that you might forget, the holidays are those particular days that if it's ruined, if it goes poorly, you're gonna remember. You're gonna sit back and remember that you and your partner had an argument or that they walked out and weren't there for Christmas dinner, or you woke up that morning and you went to give a gift and it wasn't there. There's going to be these moments that are more impactful to our memory and more impactful to that feeling of loss, and the holidays is one of them.

Cassie 2:35
So what we want to do today is we want to give you the hack that we teach our non-monogamous clients to use during the holidays. So that way, their relationships can be even stronger. They now have built positive memories and positive experiences, which really fill up that cup in your relationship versus pulling it away. So that's what we're going to dive into today. But I just first want to start with why the holidays are sort of this incubator for negativity in our lives. And it's because there's a lot of expectations, and a lot of these circumstances that are different during the holidays. So the first thing is the expectations which is, "This has to be done. This meal has to be cooked. I have to go here. I have to go there. I have to go everywhere." And we get really frantic, trying to live up to our own expectations and the expectations of others. And while doing so we really get ourselves heightened. We go almost into like a panic state. "I gotta get it all done. Do it all do it all. If I don't do it all, then we're not going to have a good holiday. My kids, my partners-- we're all going to just have a horrible holiday if the pumpkin pie isn't made." And I know that sounds silly in a sense, but we get so so connected to this idea of what has to happen, that when something doesn't happen, we get completely thrown off. And then the second thing is that the circumstances are different. The holidays throw in different schedules. We're off our schedule; the kids are home from school for the holidays; the teenagers back from college; or we're taking off a couple of weeks of work. And so our normal schedule and what we do in life gets thrown off and because the circumstances are different, that creates uncertainty.

Cassie 4:43
Whenever we have uncertainty we get more into that panic state. So if you're paying attention, I'm saying basically the holidays are just this incubator for us to pop. And we can pop in an exciting, fun, amazing way and that's what our clients do. Or you can pop in a way that is blowing up at your partner or screaming at your kids, or not wanting to open presents on Christmas morning. You can end up in either one of those places with that energy. And so what I first want to say is just recognizing that if you're feeling the pressure of the holidays. That is normal. Even our clients who have amazing relationships still feel the pressure. But it's what they do with that pressure that is the difference. They take that pressure, and they use it as a tool to feel more love and connection and desire in their relationships versus it being something that ends up creating a force and division in the relationship. So what I want to talk about today is how do you get linked up to that energy? The energy of: let's take this incubator and flip it around and make it something great. So how we do that with our clients is: first off, I love when we end up with things that have some easy wordage. So it's hack. When I say it's a hack, there's actually four pieces to HACK. It's an acronym. And so we're going to talk about each one of those pieces. And it is vital to have those pieces in order to sort of get through the holidays.

Cassie 6:25
Really, this is your "non-monogamous four things you must do to survive the holidays in your relationships." Okay, so the first one is habit. That's the age and habit is when you are in this place of uncertainty and all the change, you have to get back to that positive habits that you need. So maybe you're out of work, but it's still important for you to get up in the morning. And get dressed and have your coffee. I would never drink coffee, but I'm not a coffee drinker. But whatever it is, or your cup of tea. But get up in the morning and do that thing that helps you be in a positive place. So it's about keeping those habits and rituals that you have any other day of the year. And that's your personal rituals. And this is also your relationship rituals. Just because you're home doesn't mean you want to stop giving your partner a kiss in the morning, like you normally do when you leave for work, or cutting out time to have just individual time while I'm home for the next week and a half. So we don't need to cut out time for just the adults. We'll just have the kids around the whole time. You want to make sure that you're keeping to the habits that are serving your relationship.

Cassie 7:48
Now, where the challenge does come in is that for a lot of non-monogamous folks is that the habits that they have in their relationship, haven't been feeding their relationship. And this isn't something that you're going to be able to fix before the holiday. Because we're like smack dab in the middle of it. But it is something to be mindful of. So looking at the habits that are feeding your relationship and doing more of those things. And the habits in your relationship that aren't serving you are causing more challenges or causing problems. Well, those habits you want to try to shift as much as possible and not feed into those habits during the holiday because that incubator is going to make those things impact your relationship even more in a negative way. So you really want to pay attention to the habits that you have in your relationship and lean into the positive habits for yourself, for your relationship that are fulfilling for you or make your partner happy, make you feel connected. And then the things that are habits that you have that on a regular day does not serve your relationship. And this might be something like, "I have a habit of coming home and snapping at my partner when I'm feeling stressed out." Well guess what? The holidays are really, really stressful. So don't do that. Don't snap at your partner. Do something else. Shift that habit. So that's the first thing. The first thing is leaning into the good habits-- stepping back from the bad habits.

Cassie 9:24
Okay. The second thing in our HACK is agreements. So we spend a lot of time working with our clients on making really solid, amazing agreements in their relationships. And what agreements are is a place where two people come together, and they get aligned in what they are agreeing to. They're not boundaries. Again, boundaries are what you put on yourself and they're not rules. It's not something I'm putting on you. But it's what a couple or a dyad comes together and agrees upon. So during the holidays, it's really important to make sure that you and your partner are in agreement about how things are happening-- what's going on. So you're going to need to be in agreement, not in assumption-- where you're assuming that your partner is going to do this, or "I'm assuming that my partner is responsible for the dishes and the trash. Because I cook the turkey." You want to make sure that you're actually in agreement about where you're going, what you're doing, and what the sort of understandings as far as the flow of the holidays are-- what's happening? And this is really, really dire, because most often we're not functioning from a place of agreement. We're functioning from a place of assumption, from maybe our history, maybe our-- what we do every year. It's this idea of, "Well, this is what I've always done. So this is the way it should be." So you don't want to operate from there. You really do want to sit down with your partner, if you don't have a good understanding of holiday right now. This is a time right now, because we're in it to actually get some clarity on what the agreements really are for your holiday. Okay, so that's the second piece of this.

Cassie 11:16
Now, the third is communication, of our HACK. So that's the C. And when I'm talking about communication, there's kind of a couple of different pieces to communication that we really try to instill in our clients. Because it is vital to understand these three things, which is communication is these three parts-- which is first, the actual getting things out and putting it all on the table. And for some people, this is a really big struggle, especially around the holidays, because it's like, "I don't want to let my partner down. I don't want to tell them that I'm stressed out. I don't want to do this." And really, what you're doing is you're bottling it up. And you don't want to explode. But you bottle it up and eventually you do. You can only shake the emotional Coke bottle for so long before you explode. So it's actually getting stuff out in the open. So that way, everybody's on the same page. And nobody's blindsided. But there's a flip side to this one. So it's not just the communication.

Cassie 12:23
But the second part is communicating effectively. That means coming from a place where you're getting across what your needs, your wants, your concerns are without putting your partner into shame. Without going into the spirals where you're arguing, because the last thing that you want is you don't want to already be like emotionally stressed out, finally open up and then have things go really, really poorly. So the second piece of communication is actually knowing how to communicate to your partner in a way that they are going to first be receptive of the information that you're giving them. And which also gives them the place of motivation to work with you to make change and shifts. So that way things can be positive. And that's a really hard thing to do, especially if you haven't cultivated that for a very long time in your relationship. But that's the two parts. And the last part of the communication is being able to use that communication to solve that challenge. And those are three parts. It's not one part of communication. It's not like I can just sit there and just babble off things and expect things to get better. I can't just talk and talk in a nice way. And everything's gonna be fine. No, there actually has to be in your communication, the ability to solve the challenges that are-- that you're facing, whether it's a small challenge, like who's going to bring the pumpkin pie this year, or a big challenge, like we're dealing with my family who is really against polyamory. And now we're having to decide where we go for the holiday, and what we do. And that can be really, really emotional, right? So regardless of it is a small thing or a big thing, you have to be able to work as a team and come to a solution. And that is the third part of the communication.

Cassie 14:26
So it brings us to the last piece of HACK, which is kindness. And this is one of those things that can be really hokey. "Oh, just be kind in your relationships." But really, what I mean by being kind during the holidays, is kindness is really coming from the spirit of knowing that you and your partner care about each other. That you're, regardless of your differences and the challenges that you're facing, while they may be very real, that at least the two of you both recognize that you want something different, that you want to come from a place of having a good holiday that you want to make positive memories. And really, that kindness is almost like a kindness towards teamwork. It's this idea of knowing that I'm going to show up as a team player to my partner, because I know that at the end of the day, we both want the same thing, even if there's multiple other things that you're disagreeing on, even if there is several things that are challenges right now. And that's why I said they're probably real, if you and your partner have been feeling distant, all year long, this incubator is going to make it feel stronger.

Cassie 15:50
If the two of you have been arguing, it's going to be a lot easier for you to fall into that pattern of arguing when there is the stressors. If you've been in a place where you haven't wanted to be around your partner, and you're like deep, deep into NRE with your other partner, the holiday is going to highlight that because it's going to be a heck of a lot easier to be in this new relationship than it is going to be around the person that you're stressing around all the time. So just recognizing that these things are highlighted, but that both of you, regardless of it, are coming from that place of kindness, and wanting a change. So again, HACK is what we have with our clients. We tell them to remember that to HACK the holidays. Because it's really, really important to have these memories to be able to go forward and recognize, "Hey, this year, we had a great holiday together. We made memories." And to be able to pull that into your relationship for 2023. We are right at the end of the year. We're getting ready to have that turnover. That's a big marker for a lot of us. The New Year is that time that we remember, "Hey, either we had a horrible nasty year," or "Hey, we're gonna have a great new year next year." And you really want to kick this off from this place of "We can have a great new year." Okay. So with that, there is a caveat to everything that I've shared today. And what that is, is that HACK is not something that's easy to do, if you haven't been doing this in your relationship already. It starts with those habits.

Cassie 17:42
So if you're out of the habit of feeling connected, if you can't make agreements work, if your communication has been subpar, or suffering or horrible-- some of you, your communication has been lacking for a very long time. And if you are finding that spot where you-- and especially if you're finding that spot where you cannot find that kindness in yourself, where you're not really feeling like a team and you can't see the kindness or you can't see the kindness in your partner. If you can't see that, this is a time to make the decision to shift. So that way, you can HACK the next several holidays of 2023. So that way you can show up this way, and feel in love and feel connected and make the memories that you and your family deserve next year.

Cassie 18:37
And if you want to do that, what you can do is you can book a call with our team. You can go to atouchofflavor.com/talk. We'll hop on a call for about an hour and chat with you about what's going on in your relationship, what the real challenges are, and where you want to go and come up with a plan for you. So that way, the next several holidays in 2023 are ones where you and your family feel connected and loved. And you are able to celebrate with such a high level of gratitude. So if that's what you need, go ahead and book that call atouchofflavor/talk. Okay, so just to sum up what we talked a bit about today as far as hacking the holidays. So there's the four pieces. You need the habits. You need to either lean into the good habits, move away from the bad habits. Two-- have agreements about what's going on, do not be an assumption. C, make sure you're communicating and you're using those three steps of communication, which is actually being able to talk about things, not covering it up. Doing the good job of communicating in a way where your partner is going to be responsive. And thirdly, finding those solutions. And the last is that kindness which is feeling kind toward your partner accepting their kindness even when you're not on the same page. Okay? All right, so we will see you next show.

Josh 20:13
Thanks for tuning into today's show. We release new episodes every week. So make sure to subscribe.

Cassie 20:19
if you're ready to transform your relationship and you'd like to see if you're a fit to work with us, here's what I want you to do next: Head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk and book an appointment to speak with our team. We'll get on the phone with you for about an hour. And we'll get you crystal clear on three things: what's really not working in your relationships, what your dream relationships would look like, and a step-by-step plan to close the gap and save your family even if nothing has worked before.

Josh 20:47
We talk with hundreds of non-monogamous folks like you every year. And here's the truth-- building loving, thriving relationships, that doesn't have an on its own. You need expert guidance to make that happen. And unfortunately, when you are building relationships outside the box, that's impossible to find and we get it. But that's exactly what we do. We've helped clients all over the world, save their families get the passion back and become best friends again.

Cassie 21:11
So if you want to see if we can help you do the same head over to atouchofflavor.com/talk. I'm Cassie.

Josh 21:19
And I'm Josh. Let's talk soon.